Pain, Epiphanies and Food

I don't really wish to philosophize here.  I keep it pretty superficial and on topic.  That's not to say I don't have more playing through my head than bootcamp and food.  I have a great desire to be fit and healthy, but it's certainly not the only desire I have. 

While pondering the Grays  and the strain and stress of the last year or so- I've been learning to know myself.  I think every does the same.  Epiphanies and revelations just come to people differently and at different times.  In fact, it really annoys me when people have epiphanies about life and assume they're the only ones that have figured it out.  So, that said- I assume I'm the most stubborn and last in line to get it.  Sort of like when Ed tries to get me hooked on some new band and I scoff at it and don't "get it"- then about 6 months later I feel like it's the best band I've ever heard and I want to listen to it 24/7.  And Ed just shakes his head.  He gets the credit for any musical exposure I get.  Total credit.  


Anyway, I've always been really stubborn, set in my ways and very opinionated.  Yet I often find myself wavering, looking for answers and not really knowing what I believe.  I suppose part of that is being 30 something and having a great desire to really know myself.  What I've become aware of lately is that I haven't really taken the time to know me.  I went through some fairly bad postpartum depression that I didn't totally admit was happening after Shepherd was born.  Every day felt like a marathon to me.  I felt trapped, closed in and desperate for escape.  I found myself behaving almost bipolar-like.  High highs and low lows.   And many, many times I'd wake up and do and say things that I didn't even recognize.  That didn't sound like me.  And at some really low points I became someone I ultimately hated. 


I imagined myself as a great damn- holding up an unbelievable reservoir of water.  The water was chucked full of anger, bitterness, resentment, loneliness, confusion, feelings of abandonment, you name it. In fact, I don't think there was one person in my life that I couldn't find a reason to be mad at or resent.  I was pissed off and taking names.  And the load got heavier and heavier. 


And so one day the damn broke.  And when it broke- I could not control the outpour.  It just kept flooding and flooding.  And there I was.  This is me.  What a mess.  I remember one day I literally curled up in a ball and just cried for a solid hour.   Like, heaving, ugly cry.   

Now- before you slowly start to back out of this post, trying to slip out unnoticed so that the psycho chick doesn't get all ape-shit and stuff- let me say I'm on the other side now!  Or at least somewhere close to the beginning of the other side.

I've always used comedy to get me through things.  In fact, as a kid, I got a lot of attention for it.
What did not get attention was having emotional needs.  To be emotionally needy was a liability.  I'm not saying this to knock my parents.  They did the best they could with what they had and I get that now.  If anything- I have more grace for them.  Parenthood is hard.  And I pray my kids have grace on me.  But, anyway, somewhere on my internal hard drive I was taught to "pick yourself up by your boot straps" and move on.  No time to have needs.  And by default, began to view anyone with emotional needs as needy, whiny, sulky, self centered and just plain weak.  At some point I made the note as a kid that feeling sad, mad, frustrated, lonely, whatever- was selfish.  And so I learned early on to be independent and need no one.  But, damn it, make them laugh.

It doesn't take a therapist (though I see one) to tell me that I've projected all that on other people over the years.  Especially as the stresses of being a woman, wife and mother have peaked.  (Will it ever not peak?)  And with all this jumbled mess comes my relationship with food.  I think I my lack of emotional vulnerability caused tension.  Tension needs release.  Food is my release most of the time.

And so this last year has been about these things:

• Crumbling into tiny, unrecognizable pieces- enough so that I can't put myself back together the same way.  Ultimately a blessing. 
• Excepting that I have a vast amount of needs and that's okay.
• Seeing what happens when you hold that damn up for so long and what is left when it breaks.
• Forgiving yourself.
• Forgiving others.
• The above two again and again and again.
• Realizing that once you're in a position of needing mercy and grace- you will never make the mistake of withholding it from other people (God willing).  It's a free gift from God and is so, so sweet. 
• It's not selfish to love yourself and want good things for yourself
• Love dominates all.  Over judgement, criticism, hurts, religion, plans, you name it.  Love.  Only love. 
• Pay attention to what you're feeling.  Your gut is right. 
• God still loves me- even if I cuss like a sailor. 

Who I am right now, today:

• Me!  Which is pretty darn amazing and valuable.
• Merciful
• Loyal
• I appreciate myself
• I'm worthy of friends, love, loyalty, happiness, joy
• I'm a good friend
• I'm a good wife
• I'm a good mother
• I'm one bad ass bootcamper

There are some amazing friends (the hubs #1 on that list) that have walked me through this last year and seen a whole lot of ugly Jen- hands on.  Their friendship should be bottled up and sold on the black market, because it's GOOD.  Like, crack good. And they teach me that I can't do anything on my own.  I need them.  I need God.  And that's not weak.  They teach me that God, does in fact, exist and His love moves through us.  And pain ultimately bears good things if you let it.  Trying to provide our own needs for ourselves may work for a while, but won't ultimately fulfill us.  

Why on earth am I sharing all these things?  Well, because, I'm sort of an open book.  Not as much as I used to be, but it's still who I am.  And because I'm an emotional eater- it inevitably ties into my food addiction-which ties into my blog- which brings me back to mochas.  Because everything does.

But, I'm in a balanced place and would like to settle here for a while and maybe share some tidbits along the way.  Not because I'm the first to discover them and I want all you bloggity bloggy readers to worship my revelations and amazing wisdom- but because I'm determined to get the word out that we're all freaks sometimes.  And that can be normal.  Freaking normal.  I promise I'll mostly keep it superficial and funny for the most part.  Because that's my style.  But just know that I believe body, soul and spirit all need some nourishment.  Not just your body.

So, go nourish your ass today!  Well, not your ass ass.  Just yourself.

Control is an Illusion

As a doula, one of my favorite mantras about birth is this:  control is an illusion. 

Control is a funny thing.  The word alone can be positive or negative.  You don't want to be a "control freak."  But you do want to have self control.  So how does this relate to food?

 "Control.  It's a word that compulsive eaters hear often.  On every diet, in every meeting, in every book.  We learn very early that a fundamental part of us- our hunger- is out of control.  We learn that if we are to look and live like normal human beings, we must be forever watchful of the wild hunger inside.  We live in fear of food, in fear of chocolate and sour cream and cinnamon rolls, while believing that if only we can get that part of us under control, everything else will fall into place.  But this belief is only a smoke screen that distracts us from the core issue: the areas in which we never were and never will be in control.  The areas that have to do with loving and being loved."  - Geneen Roth, When Food is Love- Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy

I remember thinking during my initial weight loss: "If I get into these jeans, I'll be happy."  "If I get to this weight, I'll be happy." So I focused and had excellent control until I reached my goals.  And, of course, it felt amazing to get there.  I felt good about myself, I didn't cringe when I saw photos of myself, I had inner and outer confidence, and I felt really great.  I felt in control.  But after a few months of being at goal I found myself feeling empty.  Being on a diet had become a way of life for me.  And once I "mastered" that, I wasn't really sure where to go.  Old habits slipped in.  Food bingeing started happening again and my "control" slipped away.  Luckily, I was so active that I maintained fairly easily.  But I was out of control in my head.   Near constant cravings, shame and guilt when I gave into those cravings, and a sense of: " Here it goes- I'm slipping.  I'm going to be fat from now on."  Whatever magic control I rocked before vanished into thin air.  I was skinny, but I was an obese person- out of control in my head.

Then I got pregnant.  Ha!  Cough**chick-fil-a milkshakes**cough.  9 months of cravings and another 60 lbs weight gain.  And so fast forward to now.  Again- I've lost the majority of my pregnancy weight.  I've got 8 more lbs to lose, but when you gain 60 lbs with pregnancy- that translates to, like, 1 pound or something.  But have not had the same "control" I had before.  The weight has not fallen off like it did before.  I've not had the same focus I had before.  And that has scared the bejesus out of me.  This past year has been hard.  And I think sometimes when things come to a head- any control you've had in any area of your life starts slipping away.  But I'm thankful for it now because it's forced me to deal with real root issues.  Not only with food, but everything.

And so I'm sort of on a path of relearning how to have a healthy relationship with food.  It's always been my constant.  I remember as a kid thinking about food all the time.  It was my comfort, my nurturing, my safe place.  And as an adult, it's become a full on addiction.  I'm learning more about it every day.  Somehow relieved that it is.  Because for years I felt alone.  I felt like I was the only one in the world that had such a strong urge to eat alll....day...long.  Some people use drugs.  Some people use alcohol.  I use food.  But the problem is that I cannot abstain from food.  I need it to live.  This is where food addiction becomes tricky.

I'm very eager to share all I've been learning.  For the first time in 4 years, I'm willing to let go of the reigns and trust a healthier path- even if it does mean I won't lose X amount of weight in X amount of time.  Patience and Content are my new friends.  And wine.  Anyway- it's all so much to put into one post, so I figure I'll just share as I go.  Plus, I'm lazy and there are kids screaming around me when I try and blog- so there.

Bootcamp started with a bang!  Will post more that later too!  :)

Is your diet your religion?

I'm always sort of browsing different eating approaches.  Absorbing little nuggets and leaving whatever else behind.   One thing I've noticed is a lot of the same thing.  For example, I've noticed a new way of eating called "Primal" eating.  Or living the "primal lifestyle."  And then I found out its somewhat connected to Cross Fit.  And so I had a discussion with a friend who eats The Paleo Diet (with a good sense of balance and actually enjoys it!) and he described to me what the primal lifestyle is. Turns out this new, extreme, cutting edge (but eating like our ancestors) diet is pretty much avoiding processed foods and doing interval training.  Huh.  Okay.  I think I do that.

So here's the thing: why do we need extreme dieting?  Of course living the primal lifestyle is great- I'm not knocking it at all.  But, why do we need labels?  Why can't we just eat well, indulge here and there and be merry?  Why so hardcore?  Why so "lifestyle?"  I'll admit that I really like the idea of doing a specific diet.  Ones where there are "good" foods and "bad" foods.  It feeds my type A personality.  It gives you rules that you must adhere to and when you follow those rules, you are "good."  And you see results.  But the best part about it is that you're in a new club. Complete with clicks.  It's fabulous!  There are message boards, workout groups, twitterers.  With each new diet, there is a new religion.

"I don't eat carbs."

"I'm primal."

"I'm Atkins."

"I'm Weight Watchers."

"I eat clean."

"I'm fasting."

"I'm South Beach."

"I don't eat anything white."

"I only eat small babies"

And it's all cool and stuff until you see a chocolate croissant....

 And you've been really good up until the chocolate croissant.  "Is there an extreme croissant diet I can follow?" you think.  No?  Shit.  Thing is- you haven't even cared about sugar until now.  But it looks....so....good.  You see that skinny girl over there eating the croissant.  "She's thin.  She's eating a croissant.  Why can't I be skinny and eat a croissant?" (you can, btw) Yeah, you've been fine eating your turkey bacon, egg white glob for breakfast with a side of fat free plain (blech) yogurt.  It's delicious, right?  But see, if you eat that croissant, you won't be living the extreme **fill in the blank** lifestyle will you?  You'll just be normal.  And who wants to be that?

I've been a successful fitness junkie and "dieter" for 4 years now.  I've been "dieting" for way longer than that- but it's only the past 4 yrs I've had success and actually figured out some things.  I lost 75 lbs.  I went from "walking 2 miles is really, really hard" to running, cycling and bootcamping regularly.  So, I guess I do have some insight into what "sticks" and what doesn't.  For me- extremeness doesn't stick.  It does the opposite.  I'd do really, really well for about a month on an extreme diet- then I'd binge from all the restrictions. Sure, I'd see results, but I can't maintain it.  And I don't like the emotional baggage that comes with extreme dieting (you're good when you're on it, bad when you're not).

 And then the mind games start:  "Since I messed up today, my weekend is blown- so I'll just start over Monday."  And who knows-  you may consume 30,000 calories between now and Monday.  But in your mind- calories/food don't really count until Monday.  Right?  And Lord knows you're going to get on that damn scale and weight yourself just in time to catch your upward swing from the binge and then be even MORE defeated mentally.  No thanks.  I'm sure there are many successful dieters out there that really thrive on extremeness.  "I haven't had cheese since 1997" and all that nonsense.  But, really, if the average joe wants to lose weight and keep it off- there's got to be a more balanced way.   I've been lectured here on my blog for how many pt/calories I'm taking in with my mochas.  I don't care.  Because any diet that makes me give up mochas is dead to me.  They are my deal breakers.  I don't care how much sugar they have.  I don't care how many points or calories they are.  All I care about is that I can order a double tall, non fat, no whip mocha when I get a hankering for one.

Make sure balance is a part of your eating.  Imagine a giant pendulum swinging.  The healthiest place is in the middle.  A good indicator as to whether you're being extreme in your eating is if you find yourself judging others for what they eat.  Don't make your diet your identity/religion/moral compass.   Because if that happens, when you slip up or fail or whatever (and you will because that's life),  you need to get back on the horse without any shame or guilt.  It's not about perfection- it's about progress.  I've found that food and fitness have to be integrated into your life.  They don't become your life.  When you wake up in the morning- what do you want to eat?  I'm sorry- but I've never woken up and wanted eggwhites.  Ever.  Some people do.  And they are weird.  But I have woken up and wanted lowfat yogurt with almonds.  Or Ezekiel bread with homemade preserves.   Or steel cut oatmeal with an apple.  Now, if you're wanting a donut every morning, then you need to find balance.  If it's a craving that won't go away- then go have your donut.  If you still crave it- then maybe compromise and have some Nutella on Ezekiel bread.

I do believe we all have our trigger foods...

I can't do tortilla chips or cookie dough.  Not together- separately.  Although dipping tortilla chips in cookie dough is actually turning me on a little.  Er...   Those foods trigger binge eating for me. I will literally keep eating until there is no more.  So, I'm mindful of my triggers.  If I just can't stop thinking of a snack or meal involving my trigger foods- then I'll have it.  But if I'm smart I'll ask my husband or a friend to eat them with me and keep me accountable.  Otherwise you'll find me locked in the bathroom nom nom-ing on cookie dough.

Striking a balance between feeding my body whole foods and letting myself have a treat every once in a while is where I'm trying to remain right now.  And I suppose I could give you a list of whole foods and what not- but it's nothing new.  You're smart- you know what's whole and what's not.  I think it's just a matter of doing it.

Listening to what my body really wants and not obsessing over food is where I want to be.  I'm going to write more on this later- but I'm really digging some books on this.  Food addiction anyone?

When Food Is Love by Geneen Roth

Why Can't I Stop Eating?  by  Debbie Denowski