I love you, whoever you are

I'd like to take a minute and thank all of you who read my lil old blog.  It's nice to have a place to come and type.  And share.  Even if you don't leave any comments!


This year has been all about puzzles.  Taking puzzles a apart.  And putting them back together the right way.  And I'm thankful for what's come out of it.  Slowly but surely I've changed.  Inch by inch.  Thought by thought.  Prayer by prayer.  Like a giant Before/After picture of my brain, life, and heart.


It's cool.


And I like me.


I share too much.  


That's not always a bad thing.


I have 6 women I call friends.


Not acquaintances.

Deep, vulnerable, life giving, balanced friendships.

Good, bad and badder.

They have my back.

I never have to wonder.

Everyone deserves a least one real, REAL friend.

And I've got 6.

I'm blessed.

Spoiled rotten.


I have a marriage that is 100% "on" and I've never been prouder of us.

I couldn't have said that 2 years ago.

I'm in love with my husband today.

I want to grow old with him and watch "stories" with him.

I like that my children look like him.

Sometimes I fart on him to be funny.

You know you do it too.

I make impulsive decisions.

If I'm into something- you won't be able to shut me up about it.

Then it's something new next week.

I change my mind a lot.

I'm full of contradictions.

I make mistakes.

I pick myself back up and keep walking.

I hate my pinky toe.

I crack my neck 30 times a day.

I really, REALLY believe that a massage can change my life.

I'm spiritual, but not religious.

But I'm Jesusy spiritual.

But I'm not Baptisty Jesusy.

I've not been to church in months.

I'm seeing God in my life, mind and heart more than ever.

I have peace.

Like a freaking river.

 I like reality shows about dwarfs.

I know that they prefer being called little people.

But I like to feel like Snow White.

I have an obsession with my kid's toes.

I take pictures of my kid's toes.

And yet I hate my pinky toe?

A little too much.

I'm self conscious.

I put up a tough cover to hide my soft side.

But I'm all soft, squishy, weepy, and sentimental inside.

I am KNOWN.

I am LOVED.

This can change a woman.

I used to have a hard time saying I was sorry.

I say I'm sorry all the time now.

I've let go of a lot of bitterness.

I've reconciled with old friends.

I see a therapist once a week.

I've come a long way.

And I love you.

Whoever you are.

Losing My Religion

It's an odd thing to not diet after 5 years of "successful" dieting. And every once in a while I have this thrill flare through me at the prospect of going on some "cleanse" or some extreme diet for a week. I remember back in February I totally did Atkins for 2 weeks. I laugh out loud at that because Atkins is so fucking ridiculous. I lost 10 lbs. But the idea of having something, anything, limitless was a relief for me. Nevermind that I was bloated up like a puffer fish and didn't poop for 3 weeks- I WAS LOSING WEIGHT!! It was fabulous.

And so lately I've been tempted to diet.

Maybe just limit portion control.

Or maybe count calories.

Or maybe eliminate carbs. Carbs are such bitches anyway, right?

Or.......maybe Im just not happy with my "natural weight." In my opinion my natural weight leaves a little to be desired in the back of my thighs. Sometimes I catch myself staring at my thighs at the dinner table- completely unaware of how ridiculous it is. Like, full on leaning over and getting a full glimpse. (I just stopped while writing to look at my thighs)

But that's how It happens, right? We hit a good stride of contentment and then out of nowhere we're Overweight, Unhappy, Unsatisfied, and Back. Back to Here. And you know where Here is. Where you're not enough. Where happiness is found only in size 29 Seven For All Mankind jeans and spanx-less fitted tops. Where tabloid shots of celebrities are the control model. With their "body after baby" bodies that run like projectors in front of images of your kids, simple sweetness, present life.

Where "me time" becomes more important than ever because you're looking for Me again. Where the hell did she just go?? Because you can't find Me in the images in your head. You're back to where you're still not enough.

I'm pretty sure I weigh the exact same as I did when I quit dieting.  Which is great.  But I haven't lost. And I guess you could say I'm lingering in Not Enough.  Just a little bit.  But trudging through and going back to Me.  I guess this is how it works.  3 steps forward, 2 steps back.

I went back to my very first post on this blog.  And it occurred to me while reading through the chronicles of weight loss that I did have a good mindset.  I remember basically behaving like I was a size 6.  I lived life like I was already at goal.  I *knew* I'd reach it.  And it was healthy at that point in time.  And somewhere I got lost.  Counting points now doesn't mean the same thing as counting points then did.  And hell, I'd be happy to count points again if I could get back to that place.  Of hopefulness, patience, beauty, love, life.  I was positive.  I was content in the plan.  I trusted the plan.

Do I make sense?

I'm going to the pool now with my kids and Ed.  I'm putting on a bikini because it's all I own.  One pieces were burned after the tummy tuck.  Here's to my thighs!

*clink*

Summerizations 3: And then there was life!

We've been doing a whole lot of living this summer.  I've been saying Yes a lot more than No lately.  To my kids, to my self, to life.  

Here are some snippets.

My firstborn freaking me the hell out with my Dad's snake.  

It gives me the heebie jeebies just typing it. 

 

Waking up to Shepherd crawling in my bed. 

Millie received her first black eye as a result of a chair hitting her straight on her nose.  But, you see, the game she was playing before the chair fell over was SO MUCH FUN!

My kids at my aunt's house watching a VHS of Jungle Book.  Who has a VCR anymore?  

Aunt Christie.

Sharing icecream with my husband after 2 glasses of wine and a really great conversation.

(He was peeing when I took this shot)

Breakfast out:

Guitar playing and sword fighting

Drinking my margarita straight out of the pitcher...

While my son watches, no less.  

It was a prop people, relax. 

Playing rock band with my brother.

Over enthusiasm is a trait I stand alone in in our family.

Taking shots with my Dad and sister. What they didn't know was that I only took one.  Filled the rest up with water.  I'm smart like that.  They're not.  But I love them. 

Summerizations 2: Mountains

Second phase of summer involved Boone, NC.  I cannot tell you how beautiful it is up there.  The air is crisp and clear and your mind is like a dry erase board wiped clean.  My mom and stepdad own a home there and above their house is a piece of land that's like a plateau- clear meadow (HELLO Twilight fans) that they said reminded them of sacrificial grounds.  So they built a fire pit, a miniature cabin and named it Pagan Hill. (My parents like to take jokes to the billionth degree)  Pagan Hill is one of my favorite places on earth.  We cooked hot dogs on the fire, drank wine and made s'mores.  

We thought about camping on Pagan hill.  Thought.  Didn't really pan out. But we got so far as to set up the tents.  That counts.  Right?

Then we went to Grandfather Mountain.  

We got a bug in us to start jumping off rocks.  My  mom was a nervous wreck.  We had fun.

Then I got my mom to jump with us.  I'm a little too enthusiastic.  

I'm not quite as graceful when my converse slips on the rock.

Shepherd riding on my sister, Lindsay's, shoulders.  They're good friends. 

Plus he braids well. 

The day caught up with him.  Naps in the car are a regular occurrence when you're too busy living life to stop for the "schedule."  Notice the pacifier has dropped out of his mouth.

Summerizations 1: Beach

Do you ever have seasons of your life where you're just buzzing with inspiration and change and you just can't quite verbalize it?  I feel I've been in that time warp lately.  And all I think about is getting it all down on my blog so I don't forget.  Like, better take a picture of this majestic mountain view so that we remember how" in the moment" we were and how beautiful it all is.  Which is counterproductive.  And so I went with it and have just been in the moment and let it all the pieces of presence get lost in the corners of my brain, where the risk of it staying there is way too high.

St. Augustine.  Good Beach.  And even better?  Good friends that live there.

We made sandcastles...

I love this picture...

We visited Castillo De San Marcos and imagined what life was like in the 1600's.  Plus, there were cannons.  Score. 

What I look like on any given day when there is threat of Shepherd bolting into danger.  In this case: off a fort and into the ocean.

And segway tours... 

I'll never ride on a segway.  

And if you do- I will absolutely point and laugh.