Monday, August 09, 2010

Losing My Religion

It's an odd thing to not diet after 5 years of "successful" dieting. And every once in a while I have this thrill flare through me at the prospect of going on some "cleanse" or some extreme diet for a week. I remember back in February I totally did Atkins for 2 weeks. I laugh out loud at that because Atkins is so fucking ridiculous. I lost 10 lbs. But the idea of having something, anything, limitless was a relief for me. Nevermind that I was bloated up like a puffer fish and didn't poop for 3 weeks- I WAS LOSING WEIGHT!! It was fabulous.

And so lately I've been tempted to diet.

Maybe just limit portion control.

Or maybe count calories.

Or maybe eliminate carbs. Carbs are such bitches anyway, right?

Or.......maybe Im just not happy with my "natural weight." In my opinion my natural weight leaves a little to be desired in the back of my thighs. Sometimes I catch myself staring at my thighs at the dinner table- completely unaware of how ridiculous it is. Like, full on leaning over and getting a full glimpse. (I just stopped while writing to look at my thighs)

But that's how It happens, right? We hit a good stride of contentment and then out of nowhere we're Overweight, Unhappy, Unsatisfied, and Back. Back to Here. And you know where Here is. Where you're not enough. Where happiness is found only in size 29 Seven For All Mankind jeans and spanx-less fitted tops. Where tabloid shots of celebrities are the control model. With their "body after baby" bodies that run like projectors in front of images of your kids, simple sweetness, present life.

Where "me time" becomes more important than ever because you're looking for Me again. Where the hell did she just go?? Because you can't find Me in the images in your head. You're back to where you're still not enough.

I'm pretty sure I weigh the exact same as I did when I quit dieting.  Which is great.  But I haven't lost. And I guess you could say I'm lingering in Not Enough.  Just a little bit.  But trudging through and going back to Me.  I guess this is how it works.  3 steps forward, 2 steps back.

I went back to my very first post on this blog.  And it occurred to me while reading through the chronicles of weight loss that I did have a good mindset.  I remember basically behaving like I was a size 6.  I lived life like I was already at goal.  I *knew* I'd reach it.  And it was healthy at that point in time.  And somewhere I got lost.  Counting points now doesn't mean the same thing as counting points then did.  And hell, I'd be happy to count points again if I could get back to that place.  Of hopefulness, patience, beauty, love, life.  I was positive.  I was content in the plan.  I trusted the plan.

Do I make sense?

I'm going to the pool now with my kids and Ed.  I'm putting on a bikini because it's all I own.  One pieces were burned after the tummy tuck.  Here's to my thighs!



Elisabeth @ said...

Oh lordy. Here I am. Right next to you. Holding hands and staring at my thighs right along with you.

I continue fighting myself tooth and nail about doing a Cooler Cleanse ("you MUST get skinny before the wedding!!"), and I keep having to disagree with the former me concerning the fact that steamed broccoli=a well balanced meal.

It's exhausting, and I'm trying to stop listening to all of the self-negativity, but I look in the mirror every day and it doesn't seem like I'm where I should be. Milestones and life events (such as my wedding and the requirement that I wear a bathing suit on our honeymoon) has thrown me a little over the edge. Well...I'm sort of at the edge of the edge...teetering.

Jennifer Johnson McCuller said...

Oh Jen....I so secretly miss boot camp:) I feel so blah since I have stopped going and started back working. Now I am like...when the hell am I going to work out. The mornings are seriously the best time. Not so sure if I can work out at 5 am. Then again....wasn't so sure I could work out at 6 am either. Oh...and you are beautiful and not fat :) I want to be at your size right now.

Ksharee' said...

I so appreciate the honesty of this post. I had a baby 6 months ago and when my two year old grabs on my tummy and says, "Mommy I love your belly" I cringe because mommy hates her belly. Mommy wants to be able to eat good foods in moderation and not diet, but when mommy doesn't see the scale moving fast enough mommy wants to start the next diet or detox that she can find. I am still trying to find that place of being comfortable with me and where I am and remain faithful as to where I'm going. I mean, I've got a year to lose this, right? But it is very tough at times.

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