Wednesday, June 17, 2009

New Blog

So I've become annoyed with blogger and how hard it can be to post pics and the arrange of them and the settings and the work. So then I decided to start a new blog with my iWeb. I'm a Mac snob, so might as well use the stuff.

Here's the new blog. Do me a favor and try to leave a comment. I'm still working out all the kinks, but I'm trying to figure out the comment section.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The days just keep swinging

You'd think getting up before the sun every morning would make your day feel longer.  Nope.  It's getting shorter and shorter for me.  I lay my down on the pillow at 8pm last night.  And then (gasp) fell asleep!  And it's a good thing because man child got a cold and was up every 2 hours miserable.  Poor guy.  Poor me.  

Alarm goes off at 5:30am.

"Maybe today no one will come.  I can curl up on the tennis courts and sleep on my yoga mat.  Someone might even show up and bring me a mocha......"

Buzz.  5:35am.  

Oh dang!  When did I hit snooze??

Okay, really up this time.  Close on, shoes on, out the door.

We did circuits today.  13 women showed up!  Good workout.  We have women of all fitness levels.  Every one of them are pushing themselves (sometimes with my help- I get to put on the bitch hat sometimes) and it's really turning into a good time.  I'm always looking for ways to challenge those that need a challenge and surprise them with new exercises.  I have this people pleasing thing where I want everyone to LOVE it.  Like, not just think it's okay- but LOVE it.  It's sort of embarrassing how often I think of bootcamp and different things to try.  I suppose if I were to have an obsession, then this is a nice one.  Well, this and mochas.  

Okay- man child is needing me (he's almost crawling!!!).  I must run. :)


Friday, June 12, 2009

Coffee Run

We finished our bootcamp this week with what I called a "coffee run."  Basically we ran to the local coffee shop and back (my usual 3 miler).  Went well!  Everyone booked it and at the "rest points" we did push ups, planks and wall sits.  Sweat, sweat, sweat.

I failed to mention that while I was out of town last week the  bootcamper ladies got me a gift card to Natural Body Spa!  OH.  MY.  GOD.  I gotta get on that.  Massages are like heaven to me.  The ultimate thing to make me chill and decompress.   So very sweet of them.  :)  The funny thing is- if it weren't for them coming out there every morning a 6am, I wouldn't be either.  LOL  They keep me coming just as much as I keep them coming.  :)

I bought a small Cookies n Creme milkshake from Chick-fil-A today.  Probably about 8pts.  But worth every one.  :)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Living up to my words

Dang the last 24 hours have been chucked full of cardio and minimal sleep.  Did bootcamp yesterday, then had a softball game last night at 9pm.  It didn't get started until 9:30 and for some reason I thought it would be more fun than work. Um, no. Running, running, running.  I was drenched.  I finally got home at 11pm.  Then, because of my body being active that late- I was wired and could not fall asleep until 12am.  Then there is that whole man child thing....  

Every.  Hour.  

5:30am- alarm goes off.

Deep breaths.  

I had made up my mind I was going to ease up today and spend more time yelling and watching everyone than doing every thing they were doing.  My trusty co leader was there leading the pack, so I was slightly off the hook.  But then some how I ended up running with 25 lbs worth of weights in my arms.  I told everyone if I could run with these weights, then they had better be running (no walking).  That was HARD!  But I did it.  :)

Scale is looking good.  My mountain week damage is now officially behind me.  162 on the scale.  I'm so determined to see the 150's again.  Then I'll feel like I see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Shepherd is 6 months.  To be roughly 20 lbs from pre pregnancy weight at 6 months post partum is good. (Considering I gain more than 50 lbs with each pregnancy)  I always say it takes a full year to get it off.  Those hollywood celebrities that get back to pre pregnancy size in 6 weeks makes me want to slap someone.  It's just not at all normal.  

I'm feeling good.  Starting to feel normal again as far as my body goes.  My abs are going back in little by little- but they will always be the thorn in my side.  Rearing it's ugly head if I eat too much.   It's the first thing that shows.  I hate that.  But it is what it is.  I read another blog called Cranky Fitness that addressed belly fat.  I'm doing most of this stuff, but thought I'd pass this along.  

Monday, June 08, 2009

It was a Bootcamptastic morning.  Complete with suicides.  It's 5:37 pm here and I've been up for 12 hours.  I think I'll go to bed at 8pm!  I'm so tired.  But that mainly was a result of manchild thinking it was an all night breast fest last night.  Not cool.  

I'm enjoying my GF grill!  I did have one years ago.  The old school kind.  Never used it after I had kids (not sure why).  But I'm loving this one!  I grilled a pork loin (premarinated TJ's brand) and grilled some thick slices of tomato.  Delish!  Unfortunately tonight I grilled the Curry Chicken Tenders from TJs and they were way too salty.  Uneatable.  Not sure if I got a botched batch or what.  But they were gross.  I'm going to cook some salmon patties on them tomorrow night for dinner.  Then I have softball!  Oh man- I haven't really thought through having softball late Tuesday nights and then having boot camp the next morning.  Hmmmm...

All in all I'm really enjoying fitness again.  I'm slowly getting back to par.  But I have goals to get way past where I was last year before I found out I was pregnant.  I want to run more.  I'm hoping to get into a race here soon.  Maybe a half marathon in the next year.  :)

Here's my tracker:

Breakfast:
Mocha (Starbucks- non fat, no whip-double tall)
2 eggs scrambled with TJ's lite shredded cheddar
2 slices Ezekiel toast with Smart Balance butter and reduced sugar black berry jam

Snack:
Coffee 
almonds

Lunch:
Left over whole grain pilaf with red and yellow pepper
Half sweet potato

Snack:
greek yogurt with honey
almonds

Snack:
hardboiled egg
banana chips 

Dinner:
Salad with 1/4 diced avacado and Cilantro Lime Dressing
Two bites of Curry chicken tender (blech)

BED!!!!


Sunday, June 07, 2009

Guess what impulse buy I picked up today?


I'm ridiculous really. But I'm trying to increase my ingestion of grilled lean meats and veggies. The grill on the deck overwhelms me and I'd just assume keep it all in one place (the kitchen). So, I'm going to grill some pork loin tonight with some roasted tomatoes and brown rice. Should be yummy.

Bootcamp is tomorrow. I'm planned out all the workouts and I'm ready to get back in my early morning routine. Now if I could just get the manchild to sleep consistently then my life would be perfect.

Or maybe I'd just get an hour more of sleep...

Anyway, my alarm is going off at 5:45 tomorrow morning and I'm hoping my body will get up and go. Lately I've been dragging. The workouts should energize me.

Here's my tracker:

Breakfast:
Hardboiled egg
Mocha

Lunch:
Trader Joe's Curry Rice Stirfry
Multi grain pilaf
Sauteed veggies
watermelon
Salad with avacado

Snack:
Ice mocha (two- I know)
Hardboiled egg
Lite string cheese

Dinner:
Grilled pork loin
Roasted tomatoes
Brown rice

Snack
Fage 2% greek yogurt with honey

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Alcohol makes you fat

That's just the bottom line.  And not only does alcohol contain a ton of hidden calories, but it then inhibits your ability to make smart choices about the quality of food you're eating.  It's a gateway to the munchies.  Period.  And that sums up Boone for me.  :)

But today was good.  I got right back on the horse and I feel so much better!  And with bootcamp on Monday morning, I need to feed my body some good stuff.  

Today's tracker:

Breakfast:
Kind fruit/nut bar
Non fat, no whip mocha

Snack:
Fage 2% greek yogurt with honey

Lunch:
Turkey sandwich on whole wheat with Smart Balance mayo, spicy brown mustard and 1 wedge of Laughing Cow Lite garlic and herb cheese

Snack:
Cucumber slices with hummus
Mix of fruit: kiwi, grapes, strawberries
Whole grain crackers-5

Dinner:
Baked blue corn chips
Salsa
1/2 avacado-sliced
Kiwi

Snack:
Fage 2% greek yogurt with 10 almonds and honey

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Pushing yourself and enjoying the rewards

So, I decided (somewhat spontaneously) that I would reward myself for doing this bootcamp.  It's not really the fact that I'm getting up to workout- but more that I'm getting up to workout when I probably have every excuse in the book not to.  And instead of making excuses left and right, I'm just doing it.  And that is 90% of the battle with this weight loss stuff.  It's such a mental game.  And the beauty of waking up early to get your workout in is that you're done for the day!  Excuses do not have an opportunity to creep in.  It is the first thing you do.  Now, whether you get the most out of your workout is up to you.  But if my arse is getting out of bed at 5:30am every morning, then I'm going to push myself and make it worth it.   

So then what was my reward??  A massage!  And not only did I get to enjoy a massage, but I think God threw in an extra treat and my massage therapist happened to be a guy who works with athletes and does these intense stretches to help increase flexibility and strength.  It was amazing.  Sort of hurt at some points, but felt great.  I was so tight when I went in and now I'm loosey goosey.  

Some thoughts on staying OP....

I hadn't realized how much stress I carried with me throughout the day just thinking about staying OP.  Instead of just doing it, I'd think about it and feel overwhelmed.  And then I'd just give up before I even tried.  Not productive.  Frankly, it came down to shitting or getting off the pot!  Because it's not worth thinking about it if I couldn't follow through.  And following through got easier and easier the more of a habit it became.  Making it a habit was the initial challenge.   Every day, at every meal I have to choose.  And it can never be about one week or one month or "I have to lose weight by this date" kinda thing.  It has to be hourly.  It has to be broken up into small, bite size pieces or else you'll just choke on the whole thing.  

100% honesty is the other kicker.  I confess that there are days I've come on here saying I've been doing good and staying OP.  When, in reality, I've been upping my portions and sort of half assed tracked my points.  And the funny thing is:  I'm not fooling anyone but myself.  And by not coming clean with myself, I'm not giving myself the opportunity to get back on the horse.  Because I'm trying to convince myself that I was good and I don't know why I'm not losing?When it's all just bull shit.  If I'd stay OP, I'd lose.  End of story.

  Can you relate?


Friday, May 29, 2009

Owwwwww

I.  Can't.  Move.

Man, today's boot camp kicked my butt.  Shepherd is teething and up often during the night (like 7-8 times!!!).  Last night was an all night teething fest.  The poor kid is just drooling and gnawing on any and everything.  Poor guy.  So it didn't help when the alarm went off at 5:30am this morning.  And today was Friday....the hard day.  The day we decided to "push it" since we'll have two days off.  But, nonetheless, I showed up.  Thankfully Katherine (my partner in crime) was extra peppy and doing lots of yelling and pushing.  I pushed myself as hard as I possibly could given the circumstances of my lack of sleep.  It was hard.  Here I was telling everyone to push themselves and give more than they think they can and felt like I wanted to puke and fall over.  LOL But I'm glad I did it.  No excuses.  If it had been a gym class, I know I would have bailed.  But knowing that those other girls are counting on me (as I am them) makes me wake up.  

I'm getting stronger.  I can't wait until it's been a month or too and I can see noticeable difference in my strength and stamina. 

But, despite having a hard morning due to lack of sleep, I do feel generally good about getting up early.  It's definitely setting the pace of the day and I'm noticing that I'm making better choices in regards to food.  I'm generally eating about 6 small meals a day.  Upping the protein and drinking lots of water.  

We're going back to Boone on Sunday or Monday.  Picking the older kids up and taking some of our friends (with their kids) with us.  Should be fun.  Hoping to get some runs in on the trails.  Maybe go to Grandfather Mountain.  :)


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Day 1 of Boot Camp

Phew!  I was worried I wasn't making it hard enough.  But I did!  It's interesting how hard you push yourself when you're the one leading something.  It was great.  Some gals from our church came out and we kicked butt for a solid hour.  

Here's what we did:

Warm up: run around block (1/2 mile)

Sprints down a hill and up the other side- three times
Lunges around perimeter of tennis courts (10 push ups in each corner)
Toe taps for 3 mins (with squats in the 30 second break in between) (OWWWWWW!)
Tricep dips
Biceps, lateral, shoulders with bands
Circuit with agility ladder, crabby walks, and inch worm (no, not the break dancing move), then ANOTHER sprint down, up, down up hill

Abs (crunches and planks)

It was a big challenge my hair was completely soaked in sweat.  SOAKED.  I was dripping.  But I loved it!  I can't wait for tomorrow morning!  I think it's going to be the "thing" I've needed to get my fitness back on track.  Consistent, close and time is right.  

:)  

I'll take some pics tomorrow of the girls working hard and post them.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Boot Camp

So you all know how much I love my Heat classes.  It's a Boot Camp style class that challenges you and makes you hurt a lot.  But then once you finish, you feel so good.  And then if you keep going, you eventually get addicted.  My problem with getting to those classes are the times and childcare.  It just felt like I had to really work my day around it to make it work.  

So then I considered Operation Boot Camp.  But at $350 a month, I could own another Odyssey. Plus, I'd have to get up early AND drive somewhere.  Just not practical for my life at this moment.

So, I had an epiphany.  Why don't I just start a Boot Camp?  I know plenty of ladies that would be up for it and I've been going to the Heat classes for two years.  I know how to put the exercises together and Lord knows I'm bossy.    So, that's what I did!   My friend Karyn said she'd help and we started a Boot Camp for the ladies from our church.  And the best part is that it's going to meet in a park in my neighborhood!  Granted, it's at the butt crack of dawn, but I think that's the best time to get it in anyway.  I can walk to it and be back in time for man child to hook back on the boob.  :)

So, that's my new fitness plan.  Monday through Friday!  I'm hoping this will help me break the 160's.  And there's just something about boot camp style stuff that makes me feel young again.  Reminds me of being an athlete and challenging myself.  


Thursday, May 21, 2009

Down 5 lbs!

I'm considering bulimia as an effective tool to get to goal. 


I kid.


So we made the drive out to Boone and then the stomach bug hit us.  Fischer puked 30 mins from our destination in the car.  Then several more times when we got there.  Poor kid had a bowl in his lap until bed time.  Then around 9pm Ed puked.   Around 11pm I puked my brains out.  Then around 1am the baby woke to nurse and about 5 mins into nursing him I had to toss him back in the crib and run to the bathroom.  Then on the way back from the bathroom I felt like I was going to pass out.  And I did.  And the rest of the night was a blur of nursing the baby and having a fever.  Not fun.  

But, on the upside- I got on the scale and it said 160 lbs!  LOL


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Hello!

I have not forgotten about this blog.  I have not.  I.  Have.  Not. 

Life has been busy lately.  I've fallen a bit off the wagon, but picked myself back up.  Progress, not perfection.  Moving forward.  

Tomorrow is the kid's last day of school.  Then we are immediately driving to Boone for Memorial Day weekend.  I'm excited to see family and mostly excited to a break from being solo mom.  Ed has been slammed, which means I'm slammed.  But I'm not complaining, he's getting a paycheck and that's a huge blessing.  BUT, it does mean I'm relieved to have some extra hands around.  

Now B is Boone and my Big Butt normally.  It's a trigger for me.  I tend to eat a lot.  Which is silly really because I should be less stressed and more relaxed.  So my goal is to let go and relax.  Take each meal at a time and enjoy myself.  Eat flavorful, nutritious foods and allow a few indulgences.  Back off on alcohol!  My mom and sis bring the drink fun out in me and I know that alcohol is full of hidden points.  

I've been running around and not drinking enough water today so I'm a bloated mess.  Feeling icky and not so skinny.  But tomorrow is another day and I'm looking forward to making good choices and feeling good about it all. 

:)

I'll post more in Boone! 


Saturday, May 16, 2009

New Hairs!



It was time for a change and boy am I glad I went for it.  Chopped the rug off and highlited.  Throw on a pair of 6 jeans and call me happy!


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Did I mention I'm playing softball?

So my church has two leagues for summer softball right now and I signed up! I have not played softball in 12 years. I was on varsity in high school- playing fast pitch. I was very competitive and loved it, but I have to say, I'm absolutely worried I'm going to suck big time. I'm going to do my best and practice my ass off.   I bought some cleats tonight and a bat. My dad is meeting me tomorrow to give me an old glove my sister used in high school.  Mine are long gone.  Tonight some friends and I are meeting at a field to practice hitting. I hope I don't embarrass myself.

:)

Today was a good op day. 

Monday, May 11, 2009

Size 6!!

I just went to my friend's house who is pregnant and wanted to lend me some of her nice jeans since I'm literally wearing the same pair of 8's over and over again. They were size 6's and I figured I'd wear them in a few months. But for fun I tried them on.

THEY FIT!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

I'm never taking them off.

Granted, I still need a "tuck" to get my chicken skin muffin top from spilling over the jeans, but STILL!!!

I'm sucking in for dear life in these pics.


Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day!

Today I woke up and swiftly drove to Pike Nursery to get some plants for the front yard and begin my day of yard work. Yes, I like to get dirty and work in my yard for fun. It was the perfect Mother's Day gift. No interruptions from the kids (unless they wanted to be my helpers, which they did periodically). I think I burned 1000 calories. I sweat all day. I cleaned out my day lily beds, divided them up and transplanted some in the front fence. Pulled an unbelievable amount of weeds in all the flower beds. Planted a climbing rose bush along our fence. Created a new bed in one of the corners with some plants and some sunflower seeds. Planted some rosemary around the mailbox (I love rosemary- I put it everywhere). And bagged all the muck up and put it out by the curb. Phew!

I also got a new Flip camera! So, I thought I'd leave you with a little video of my daughter.....


Saturday, May 09, 2009

Lunch at Tiny Bistro

When I run in my neighborhood I run to the local coffee shop and back.  Well, next to the local coffee shop a little bistro opened.  Tiny Bistro!  So we loaded the kids up and went there for lunch today.  The portions are not so tiny.  I got "half" a cuban sandwich and some broccoli salad.  The "half" was a "whole" by anyone's else's standards.  But since it was called a half I ate the whole thing.  



Today's agenda is to chill out.  My boy was up all last night (a major difference from sleeping 9 hours straight the night before).  So I'm absolutely exhausted.  I want to get in a nice run at some point this weekend.  That would be my mother's day wish.  Just some time to get away and move.  


Thursday, May 07, 2009

Been a busy but good week. 

I've taken a break from going to the Y this week to help my baby get on a more of a routine.  Poor thing lives in his carseat and is now needing more solid naps in his crib to get him through the day.  And the better he sleep during the day, the better he sleeps during the night.  SO you can see why I prioritize that!  :)

Anyway, today was nice.  I took the younger two to our play group and then came home for naps and chill time.  Then we had a birthday party this afternoon and then I mowed the lawn and bags up some yucky "muck" that coated the back half of our driveway.  Basically leaves that had mixed with water and just turned to ....muck.  So that was a work out.  I was sweating my butt off for a good hour.  

****Disclaimer- I am a control freak and when I get something in my head, I do it.  I enjoy mowing the lawn and that's why I do it.  My husband is not a loser.****

Tomorrow I have "Muffins with Mom" at the kid's school, then a play date then book club at my house.  Busy day, but a fun day.  

Here's my tracker:

Breakfast:
Luna bar: 4 pts
Mocha: 3 pts

Lunch:
3 pieces of sushi: 3 pts
pita chips: 3 pts
hummus: 2 pts

Snack:
Decaf
Biscotti: 2 pts

Dinner: (party food)
Hot dog: 8 pts
Chips: 4 pts
Cupcake: 5 pts

Snack:
Bowl of fruit salad: 1 pt 

APs: 
Mow the lawn: +2 pts

Total: 33 pts used

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

What are your trigger foods?

Ya know- the ones that make you want to eat so much that you have to unbutton your pants and then as soon as you can you get the elastic yoga pants on?  

Mine:
Chips/salsa!   I could continually eat chips and salsa until the mexican restaurant kicks me out.  And I'm not kidding. 

Luckily I met Ed the other day for lunch and I demonstrated self control.  I alloted myself 14 chips (a serving size) and then savored them.  And I really did feel satisfied!

So what are your trigger foods?  Do you eat them or try to avoid them all together?

Monday, May 04, 2009

Good Day

It was busy as usual, but good.  Did I mention I moved my Flex renewal to Fridays?  I don't know why I never thought of that before, but that makes so much more sense for me.  That way weekends are full of FLex.  :)

I could not go to Heat today due to a well visit for Fischer and two parent/teacher conferences at their school.  But tomorrow my plan is kickboxing!

Here's my tracker:

Breakfast:
Luna bar: 4 pts
Mocha: 3 pts

Snack:
Banana Loaf (Starbucks) 10 pts (I was in shock)

Lunch:
Cup of Black Bean soup: 2 pts
14 chips: 4 pts
salsa: 0
Cheese dip: 3 pts

Snack:
Mocha (I had one in the frig left over): 3 pts
fruit salad : 1 pt

Dinner:
Half a cuban sandwich: 7 pts
Cucumber and carrots: 0 pts
1 small piece of dark chocolate with raspberry filling: 3 pts

41 pts (Used 9 flex)

Sunday, May 03, 2009

I'm ready to come back

So for 2 months now I've been flying by the seat of my pants.  Listening to my  hunger cues, losing weight, holding steady, etc.  I needed to walk away from Weight Watchers for a while to figure out how to just "be" as far as eating goes.  I was so sleep deprived (still am) and the idea of figuring (though I have most every food item memorized) out another point nearly made me want to scream.  I'm so grateful I quit.  I'm so grateful I learned a lot about why I eat when I'm not hungry and why I feel the need to go back for seconds when my muffin top is about to rip my jeans wide open.  I learned invaluable tools that are going to take me all the way to my goal.  

But...

I do feel like it's time for me to pick up my old notebook and write down my points again.  It just something I need to do.  It feels like it's the right time.  I knew I'd probably come back to WW's, but I needed to sort of find myself and my determination again before I tried to implement a "plan."  Sort of like like riding a bike with training wheels in a race.  I didn't have the gusto to push myself forward.  But now I do.  And though I did lose weight (10 lbs, thank you!) not dieting, I do feel WW's can help me get some new balls rolling (that's what she said).  

So, here I am- counting points again.  I'm actually excited.  I'm the type of person that loves change.  When you get bored, change it up.  That's always been my solution to life in general.  

I've got some great new recipes I'm going to try this week.  I'll track them down and post them for you here soon!

My food tracker

Trying to get back in the mode of writing down my food for you guys...

Breakfast:
1 hardboiled egg
1 Nonni's biscotti

Snack:
Coffee/cream

Lunch:
Whole wheat penne pasta with tomatoes, olive oil and mozzerella cheese

Snack:
Mocha
Nonni's biscotti (can you tell I like it?)

Dinner:
Zucchini/Tomato Bake
Sweet Potato with butter and Splenda brown sugar


Recipe for Zucchini/Tomato Bake:

3 Zucchinis
3 Tomatoes
1 small size lite sour cream
1 80z package of shredded Parmesan cheese
Oregano
a little whole wheat flour
salt, pepper, garlic powder and cayenne pepper

Slice the tomatoes and zucchini.  Put zucchini in a bowl of water.  Heat a skillet up with olive oil.  Light dredge the zucchini in whole wheat flour and place in skillet.  Brown both sides and place in one layer in a baking dish.  Place tomato slices in one layer on top.  Add salt, pepper and garlic powder on top.  Mix 1 tbsp oregano into the small container of sour cream.  Spread on top of zucchini/tomato layers.  Next put cheese on top.  Sprinkle with some cayenne pepper for some spice.  

I love this dish.  It's a nice side or you can top it over whole wheat cous cous as a full meal.  


Food Injuries and other related events

You know you're a foodie when you can't get a peanut butter jar open and injure your wrist pushing yourself beyond the limits to get to the buttery goodness.   Ouch.  It's been two days and my wrist is still sore.  But the toast with peanut butter and honey was worth it.

I think I'm going to register for a race soon.  Something small and fun.  Nothing extreme.  But I need some fitness goals I think.  Something to work towards.  And running is such a meditative thing for me in a lot of ways.  I'm excited to start again.  

Okay- that's all for now.  Ed just arrived with pasta, and that means Seacrest Out!

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Productivity on crack

That's been me lately. I've been obsessively cleaning out stuff. It all started with my closet.

Then my frig.

Then my laundry room.

Then my utility closet downstairs.

Then the baby room.

Then the older kid's room.

Then my garage.

I'm on a roll. I get a high, a true high, when I get stuff organized. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Like that episode from 30 Rock where Liz Lemon has two full bags from the Container Store and glows with the thought of life changing possibilities.

Mmm.....Container Store.....

What was I saying? Oh yeah, Ed installed hooks in our garage. I'm excited to get some shelves up (that have been sitting there, ready to put up for months) so I can get all the outside toys up and off the floor. I want my garage to look like Jon and Kate's (Plus 8) garage (minus the crazy, controlling woman).

Food front is going good. Focusing on portion sizes. Keeping it fresh. Haven't worked out since Tuesday. But I've definitely burned calories with all my work. :)

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Heys Ya'll!

Okay, that title was weird. But I typed that before I really thought about typing that. Guess that makes me southern, even though it's been established that I don't have a southern accent.

Moving on..

Today was a break day. No activity. That was nice. Instead I lounged around the house in the morning and took a nap during the baby's first nap. When I woke I had a caffeine head ache. Must. Get. Starbucks. So I did. Then I went grocery shopping. I was determined to make hummus and make it well. I love the farmer's market hummus, but it's expensive and too far for me to drive to get. And I think I pulled it off! Very garlicky and very tahini-y. Loved it!

Here's my tracker for today:

Breakfast:
Spelt Flakes with skim

Snack:
Mocha

Lunch:
"Power Plate" from Starbucks (mini whole wheat bagel, peanut butter, hard boiled egg, two slices of cheese, grapes and apple slices)

Snack:
Oat bran muffin (homemade)
Grapes
Carrots and hummus

Dinner:
Avacado and tomato sandwich on toasted Ezekiel bread. (Very good)
Roasted asparagus with creamy balsamic dip (mayo, balsamic vinegar and pepper- thanks Jen!)

Snack:
Small square of dark chocolate

Maybe, just maybe I'll wake up early for Heat class. But I'm not promising anything....

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

One of my proudest moments as a woman

My sweet friend and doula sent me pictures of my birth. My hard drive crashed and I lost a lot of photos, including my birth pics. So once I stumbled upon these I realized how proud I was of myself in that moment. I worked so hard- both emotionally and physically to give birth to my son. It reminds me that I'm very capable of doing anything I set my mind to.


Real labor setting in...

All I wanted to do is lie in the bed. :)

Okay, now for the tub!

It all happened so fast- I remember this part was where I was trying to negotiate my way through it in my head.

Starting to surrender

Surrendering to the process my body is doing.



Trance like

New life!







Monday, April 27, 2009

Updated pics: 164 lbs!





My Garden!

Experimenting with these Topsy Turvy hanging bags this year. I planted 3- a cherry tomato, brandywine tomato and a cucumber vine. We'll see...

Two cumber vines- I made a trellis out of bamboo tiki torches (that were rotting in the garage) and some twine!
In the pots: bell pepper and jalepeno. In the garden: 3 tomato, 2 cucumber and 2 zucchini

2 cucumber and three zucchini. I'm caging one zucchini to see if I can train it to grow up. I hear sometimes you can, sometimes you can't. We'll see...

Herbs! This isn't all of them, but here there is sage, thyme and oregano.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

I'm plain brain dead

My brain has nothing to offer lately. That's why I've not been writing a lot. Just have nothing to say. Have those days/weeks?

Anyway, I've been doing great on the food/fitness front. I'm noticing that I'm eating three meals a day and one snack. That's about what my days look like. My snacks are usually at night around 9pm. That groove seems to be going well with my body and what it needs. I'm trying to remember to drink enough water. My milk supply is being a little funny and my let downs are coming slower and Shepherd does NOT like that. I think it's a lack of water. So I'm trying to be conscience of that. Can't let the Michelin Baby goes without his necessary calories!!

I'm planning to go to my Heat class tomorrow. My goal is to be able to go to that class and not feel sore the next day. But I think that'll happen a couple weeks from now. That will signify that I've actually worked up some stamina. LOL

Here's what I chowed on today:

Breakfast:
Millet flakes (Some organic brand of corn flakes, but millet- it was on sale)
Skim milk
Banana sliced up in it

Lunch:
Bulgar stir fry- bulgar, shallot, garlic, green pepper, green onion, and an egg (like fried rice)
Collard greens
A piece of dark chocolate

Dinner: (our neighbors invited us over)
BBQ Pork
Cous Cous
Salad
Chips
Cookies

I over did it a little bit at dinner but I did work in the garden all day and haven't felt the need for a snack (It's 10pm)- so I think it's okay.

Friday, April 24, 2009

TGIF

Went to Heat again.

Ouch again.

I thought since the Friday Heat class is only 45 min that it would not be as bad as the hour long one. I was wrong. Suicides, jumping rope, push ups, pushing the bosu across the gym floor full circle. I was sweating so much that I was leaving drips everywhere I stood and had to wipe it up so no one would trip.

Man.

Feeling good though. Scale said 165 this morning. So I broke the 166 curse. :)

Today is busy so this won't be a long post, but wanted to let you all know I'm continuing my groove!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Turbo Ass Kicker

I went to the Turbo Kick class at the Y. Once again I proved that I used to be a super star- as that class was "great" when I last took it. Now the class has evolved to a resounding: "Holy mother of God I think I'm going to die!"

But I did it.

Getting back in the groove and LOVING being able to get back into my normal fitness routine!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Mother of Mercy I'm a glutton for punishment

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

So I finally got to the YMCA today and was determined to take my long lost Heat class. Last time I took it- I was about 4 months pregnant. I know...I was a super star.

Not today.

There was a wait in the infant childcare, so I just waited and waited and luckily missed a few sprints up the hill and was hoping the rest would take place in the fitness room. Not so much. An opening came up and off I went outside where the class was starting yet another round of sprints up hill. Then for our "break" we did lunges up hill. Then sprints. Then skipped (yes, skipped) up hill. Then lunges again. Then after I felt like I was going to cough up blood, we finally went inside for the ab routine.

*cough, hack, cough*

I have to say I'm so proud of myself for jumping in. Even though I was DEAD LAST up every hill sprint, I followed through. I'm going to go again. Depending on how my night goes tonight I may try to make the 6am class tomorrow. It's really an ideal time for me as Shepherd wakes for a feed around 4 or 5am and then sleep til 8am. I remember when I used to go all the time - up at 5:45am and back by 7:15am.

Wow. I was a super star.....

Still 166 lbs. Which is fine. I'm learning so much about my relationship with food. I tend to have a very passionately love affair with it. It makes me feel good, free, happy. But not really. Cause about 10 mins after I over eat I feel like shit. So learning about my body and it's hunger cues and how to respect that has been a very powerful thing for me. And after a month of eating whatever I want (mostly chocolate), I'm feel a bit of a nudge to start focusing on some more nutritious foods. I think it was good to get the chocolate out of my system. Make friends with it again, realized that it's not bad. But I'm wanting to start getting creative in the kitchen again and make some meals that involve more fresh choices.

Here's what's for dinner tonight at the Gordon house:

Zucchini Pizza Bake (Katherine's recipe)- bascially you slice zucchini, dust with some flour, lightly fry (mostly sautee with a little spray) and layer them in a baking dish. Then slice fresh tomatoes over top. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Then take am 8oz thing of sour cream and add some oregano. Spread that on top. Then sprink some shredded parmesean cheese. Bake at 350 until brown and bubbly.

Falafel (Jenny's recipe-she's made this for me twice and I'm in love) Falafel is just chickpeas with some extra love from garlic, shallots and seasoning. With a yummy yogurt dip. Very good!

Ed and I have signed up to get a CSA box this wednesday. We're very excited about it! Fresh produce! Ed also got a pasta maker. (I know- he's crazy) But he made the best whole wheat pasta the other night. It tasted so fresh and smooth. I love that he's into cooking. And he's into totally different things that I am, so it's nice.

Okay, I'm going to try to get a bath in before my older kids come home and my baby is napping!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Sometimes you just have to make time

So I haven't slept for about 4 months. Even as I type that my eyes feel dry and my head wants a pillow. I've felt like I've stretched my body and mind and effort about as far as I can before having some sort of break down. Well, not really. That was a bit dramatic.

All this to say- I decided I would pay a friend to watch my kids tomorrow so I can "get ready for Amelia's birthday." Well, that is true. But then about 20 mins after I confirmed she could come I called Natural Body Spa and booked a massaged. I felt like I was playing hookie. But my GOD I cannot tell you how badly I need a massage. I feel like I need some nurturing. When you're the primary "nurturer," it's easy to let months slip by before you realize you haven't felt taken care of in a while.

So...at 11:15 am tomorrow I'm going to slip out and be nurtured. I figure I'll bake my cake tomorrow morning, get the massage, then come back and ice it. (It's a high maintenance Barbie Doll cake). Then I'll get to see my sweet Millie's face when she blows out the candles Saturday. And I'll be a relaxed, happy mommy because I took some time to get a massage!

Food front is good. I'm going out to eat with a friend tonight. Uninterrupted conversations are the best!

Tracker so far:
Mocha
RF coffee cake from Starbuck's

Lunch:
Willy's Salad (ate about half)

Snack:
Chocolate

Dinner:
Gonna have a taco and a margarita!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I miss you!!

It's been determined that my computer is officially dead. Well, the hard drive anyway. That means all my pictures. I could cry. This is NOT good. But a lesson was learned. Back up, back up, back up.

I'm doing very well on the eating front. I believe I'm still around 166 lbs, which is fine with me. I'm realizing that this time my weight is coming off slowly. But I'm trying to focus on the fact that it is coming off. I attempting several times this week to go to the YMCA with the baby (for the first time). Both times the power was out from storms here. Go figure...

Today I'm going on a long walk. I haven't been in a while and it's going to be nice. The weather is a bit chilly, but beautiful! I've got a busy weekend ahead with birthday planning for my daughter. I'm making her a "pink cake with pink icing." Yes ma'am!

I'm going to try and "blog" via my phone. We'll see. My computer gets back to me in 10 days "fixed." Thankfully my warranty covers it. Right now I'm borrowing computers here and there to check things.

I'll post tracker later!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

So sorry!

Sorry blogger friends. My computer is fried and I'm short on time with all the travel.

I'll post more later, but my trip to see my mom was good! I stuck to my hunger cues and did well.

ANd of course the baby is crying just as I type this......

Saturday, April 04, 2009

166 lbs!

Gotta catch a plane, but wanted to share!

Thursday, April 02, 2009

We're getting on a plane!

Tomorrow the kids and I are getting on a plane and flying to Raleigh to see my mom.  We usually go to the mountain house in Boone, but it's been a while since we've been to her "house" house.  She lives on a lot of land and the kids can literally run wild, which is nice.  We're going to lounge around and just "be."  My mom is still recovering from getting her lap band removed (which was eroding into her stomach).  So I'm there to keep her company and help out.  She informed me she bought the first two seasons of 30 Rock.  I informed her we will be watching it 24/7.  

I love that show...

My husband says I remind him of Liz Lemon.  1- with my food obsession.  2-with my one liners and weird words for things.  Liz's "curse word language" is right up my ally.  

Flerg.

Anyway- my obsession with food is slowly diminishing.  I'm not longer cravings things and trying to resist them.  Instead I'm uneventfully thinking of what I want to eat and then eating it.  Tonight I made homemade lasagna with ground beef, onions, marinara sauce and mushrooms. Topped with full fat mozzarella and parmesan.  I served it with a caesar salad with buttery, texas style croutons and a crusty roll.  It was so good.  I ended up leaving 1/4 of my slice of lasagna and most of the roll.  Salad was devoured!


Here's my tracker:

Breakfast:
Two slices toast with butter and jam
Two pieces bacon

Snack:
Mocha

Lunch:
Burrito Supreme from Taco Bell

Snack:
Some grapes
Some sweet tarts
A mini pie thing my grandma gave me

Dinner:
Lasagna
Salad
Roll

I'll be off and on line over the week.  I'll try to post!

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Quick post....

My baby is down for a nap and my kids don't get back from school for 10 whole minutes!  

So I blog....

Today was good.   It was rainy but I was hell bent on getting a walk/run in.  I took the baby to the park and walked 2 miles and ran 2 miles.  4 total!   Running is getting easier and easier.  But I'm noticing that I do much better after walking at least a full mile before running.  Just warms me up.  

I came home famished.  I had a slice of leftover pizza, a salad and a mini almond joy.  Very satisfying.  

Okay- baby is up.  

More later..

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Long Day

I attempted to write this post several times but was continually interrupted by the eldest Duggar boy's wedding.  DEAR GOD!

Okay..

Man I have to say it was REAL tempting to over eat today.  Just stressful.  I had errands to run, carpool to do, babies to take care of and then got them to bed solo so Ed could work (he's 100x more busy than I).  I saw some cute Almond Joy easter egg things at Target with Amelia and bought some.  Now, normally I wouldn't even consider it.  But it sounded good.  I waited until I got good and hungry and enjoyed one.  It was a little piece of heaven in the midst of my crazy kid chaos.  I wanted about 14 more.  

But I didn't do that.

I'm feeling good.  I'm finding that this time around my stomach is holding a lot more weight than before.  I only figured that out since I'm in size 8's and still 168 ish.  And after meals I look about 3 months pregnant.  My stomach is just shot.  All the more motivation not to overeat- no pudge!  

I'm starting to predict my portions more and serving only what I'll eat.  So leaving less on the plate, but serving less to begin with.  I have to remember to slow down and taste the food.  When I eat too fast I find myself wanting the meal to last longer towards the end- which could cause me to overeat.  So I'm just trying to slow down.  Slowing down is eternally hard for me. 

Here's my tracker:

Breakfast:
Breakfast potatoes

Snack:
Mocha

Lunch:
Some whole wheat spaghetti with meat sauce
Salad with Miso dressing
Slice of sourdough with butter

Snack:
Apple
Almond Joy mini

Dinner:
Slice of pizza
1/2 salad
glass of wine

Snack
2 almond joy mini's



Sunday, March 29, 2009

500??




So I just noticed that this is my 500th post! How in the world did I update this blog 500 times? Weird. Well, anyway....here's to 500! :)

Weekend is going good. Still listening to my body and eating what I want....all with losses on the scale! Wooooooohoooooo!

Today we woke up for church and I was able to put on a sweater that I had not been able to wear since before Shepherd. LOVE that feeing.  That paired with some size 8's made feel good.  So I figured I'd take an updated pic. 


Friday, March 27, 2009

Come on weekend!!

So yesterday I got officially "fixed".....well, for 10 years anyway.  My womb now carries a handy, dandy copper IUD.  NO MORE KIDS!!!!!!  Whooooo hoooooo!  I'm done!


Okay......can I tell you how much I'm LOVING this non diet thing?  I got on the scale and it said 168 lbs this morning!  Yah!!!  Anyway, I'm feeling so good.  Feeling free.  Feeling light.  Feeling good.  

OH!  And I got into a pair of size 8's!!!!!  10 more lbs and I just might be able to get into all my old jeans (mostly 6's, some 4's)!!!

We're having some friends over tonight for dinner.  I'm making Stack-a-roll Straganoff.  It was a childhood favorite that my sweet mother in law made for her kids regularly.  Ed loves it and so do I.  I'm making a yummy salad with walnuts, gorgonzola and raspberry vinegerette.  And some Riesling, of course.  

Then tomorrow we're having more friends over for breakfast.  I'm making a Breakfast Casserole, some fruit, coffee and OJ.  Should be good.  

Here's the tracker:

Breakfast:
Wasn't hungry.  Truly!

Snack:
Mocha

Lunch:
Publix Turkey Sub (ate 3/4 of it)
A few chips

Snack:
Wasn't hungry

Dinner:
Stack a Roll
Salad
Wine


There are a lot of Jen's, Jennifer's and Jenny's that follow this blog...

Just say'n.  :)

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Still happy to be in the 160's....

So this no dieting thing is really suiting me.  Every time I start a meal I get a little anxious about having to actually stop.  But once the "full" cue hits, it's getting easier and easier to stop.  That's a relief.  I think the key is to slow down so you don't miss the cue and get full too fast.  Drag it out. Make it last.  

Here's my tracker: 

Breakfast:
2 slices whole wheat bread with butter and jam
Mocha

Lunch:
1/2 Chick-fil-A chicken sandwich
1/4 of the fries
1/2 sweet tea

Snack:
Lindor's dark chocolate truffle
2 milano mint cookies

Snack: (it was more around dinner time)
2 chocolate chip cookies my neighbor made

**I was really wanting some sweets***

Dinner: (9pm when I was hungry)
Mongolian beef (Maybe 1 cup worth)
fortune cookie


I'm in the 160s!!!!

OMG! OMG! OMG!

I cannot tell you how happy I am!  I've been waiting to see the 160's for a long time.  Got on the scale and was thrilled. 

I'll write more later...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Rainy Day = no walk :(

I suppose I could have gotten on my treadmill, but I decided to finish nursing my cold and just lay low.   Lounged in bed during the baby's morning nap with my laptop and coffee.  Oh, did I mention I put REAL cream and sugar in my coffee?  Yah...  that was nice.

I'm continually working on accepting my body in all it's various stages.  If I had it my way I'd hit the fast forward button to 140 lbs and a size 4.  But my way includes anorexia nervosa, which isn't all that appealing.  So, I guess I'll do it patiently and in the mean time love myself.  

Still in the honeymoon phase of eating whatever I want.  Stopping is the hardest part of it- but I'm doing it.  Self control, self control.  This is good.

Tracker:

Breakfast:
2 pieces of whole grain bread with butter and strawberry jam
Coffee

Lunch:
Trader Joe's Mushroom Risotto
Salad with Miso dressing
Bread

Snack:
Mocha
Two bites of an apple fritter

Snack:
Pear

Dinner:
Curry fried rice
Green beans with olive oil and sea salt

Snack: (I was truly hungry people!)
Cheese sandwich with mayo on whole wheat
A few whole grain tortilla chips

I'm working on drinking a lot of water.  I've noticed my milk supply be up and down lately.  I've linked it directly to my water intake. I think I need to drink somewhere around 100 oz to have a timely and good let down with each feeding.  

But enough about my boobs...

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Today was good.  Busy, but good.  Tuesdays are carpool day for me which makes for a busy day in the midst of everything else.  I dropped the boys off at school today and then Amelia, Shepherd and I went to the library for story time.  We also picked up some good books for the kids.  We've gotten into a good habit of reading a lot together, which is nice.  Then we headed to Costco.  Ironically I drove all the way there to only buy 2 bulk loaves of bread and a sun dress for Amelia.  I was actually scouting out trampoline prices, but they had none.  (More on that later)  

I felt myself get really hungry while there and had a moment of panic wondering what I could eat and what was "point friendly."  Then I realized I could eat whatever I wanted and relieved.  (Not that I couldn't on WW's, but it's just the practice of nothing being a forbidden fruit)  Amelia and I chowed down on pizza.  Two slices of pizza and two sodas = $5.  Gotta love Costco!  I listened to my hunger cues and actually finished the whole slice and drank a real coke with it.  It was good and I did not feel overly stuffed.  Just right.  

We came home, dropped some pizza off for Ed and then out again for carpool.  Picked the boys up and then came home and chilled the rest of the day.  I didn't feel hungry again until about 4:30pm and had a hardboiled egg.  Then was hungry again at 6pm and I ate some dinner.   Again, ate to fulfillment and then stopped.  I even had a bite on my fork I almost put into my mouth and said: "No, I'm full" and put it down.  Exhibiting self control is never a bad thing to practice. 

So there ya have it!  It was a good day and I feel good about everything.  I'm sure I'll have bad days, but for now I feel like a million pounds have been lifted off my shoulders. 

Here's my tracker:

Breakfast:
peanut butter and honey sandwich

Snack:
Mocha

Lunch:
1 slice pizza
coke

Snack:
hardboiled egg

Dinner:
2 slices of pork tenderloin
some collard green with vinegar (LOVE that stuff)
1 slice of corn bread with butter
pear


Monday, March 23, 2009

I've had an epiphany...

I've decided to stop dieting.  

Now, before you scream "blasphemy!" and beat me into submission, let me say that dieting has just not been working for me.  I'm not going to stop losing weight, just stop dieting.  

I've really been doing some soul searching the last few days.  Learning why I'm so inclined to overeat.  Why I'm so food obsessed.  Why food is the "answer" to me.  And I realized that food is not my enemy.  The way I relate to food is the issue.  It's not the food that needs to change, it's me.  I've decided that it's time I start listening to my body again.  I tapped into that so well with my pregnancy and birth, so why not let that guide me in this weight loss?  I've come to the realization that just because I was successful with WW's after I gave birth to Amelia doesn't mean it's the only tool I can use.  And to be quite honest, right now I cannot think about another point. 

So, I've only got a few rules:

  1. Eat only when I'm physically hungry and stop when I'm full. 
  2. Eat whatever I'm craving.

Day two on this and I'm down 2 lbs.  That includes tacos, bake bre, salad with REAL dressing, loaded baked potato, coffee cake, mochas, sauteed veggies with olive oil and salt, sour cream, butter, you name it.  I just can't buy another fat free product right now. Maybe I will in the future, but for now I want to eat what I like.  Now, I'm not saying I'm going to live on junk food- I actually do like healthy food- but what's a girl gotta do to get some real cheese up in here? And  there is a time and place where a girl needs to have some chocolate too.  

So this is where I'm at.  I'm actually quite excited and happy about it.  I feel free.  I've stopped in the middle of several meals the last few days and had an entire half of my plate still full.  But I was full, so I didn't eat it.  Sometimes that meant quickly putting the plate down on the floor for my pug to eat before I changed my mind (she can get fat, she likes it that way) and sometimes I just put my fork down and exhibited self discipline.  At any rate- I went totally off my body's cues.  It was quite a thrill!  

I have to say I do enjoy this!  I can't lie- I was reminded of all this from a book I read years ago called "The Weigh Down Diet."  All she basically says is that God made your body the way He did and it will tell you what to do.  And "refraining from over indulgence is something all believers should do."  Good point.  So that's what I'm doing.  I'm making friends with food again and promising not to abuse it.  I hereby declare to never buy chocolate flavored styrofoam and ff cheese again.

I'm relearning how to eat and not being obsessed with what I eat. 

Anyway, I still plan to post my tracker and activity.  Just because I like to.

Here's what I had today:

Breakfast: 2 hardboiled eggs, 1 mocha

Lunch: 1/2 a turkey sandwich with gouda cheese on a croissant, spring salad with vineagarette.

Snack: mocha, reduced fat coffee cake (I just like the RF version at starbucks)

Dinner:5 mini Trader Joe's chicken tacos with sour cream and peach salsa

Snack:1 piece of 7 grain bread with naturally more peanut butter and honey on top

Water, water, water

I also walked 4 miles this morning with the baby.  


Friday, March 20, 2009

Thank You

I really, really appreciate hearing from all of you ladies that don't comment often, but chose to speak some encouraging words to me.  Sometimes just knowing someone is in the journey with you can make you feel so much better.  I loved what all of you had to say.  Why is it so hard for some of us to be fit and in check with our food consumption?  Why doesn't it just come naturally?Very frustrating.  

Speaking of which, my mom had lap band surgery 6 months ago.  Everything was great until they realized that it was eroding part of her stomach.  She just had surgery again to remove it.  She says she's done with surgeries.  I don't blame her.  But it did make me nervous.  She's morbidly obese and has a lot of weight to lose to get healthy.  She lost 47 lbs with the lap band which is great.  But now that it's off, she's going to have to decide what she's going to do.  I talked to my step dad today on the phone to check in on her (she's recovering and all whacky with the drugs) and he said they are vowing to live a healthy life after this.  Eating right, walking every day, etc.  It makes me so nervous for my mom.  Mainly because she's been so out of control with her weight since my entire adult hood.  And there was some strange part of me that felt "secure" in the fact that she had the lap band surgery.  Like if she could get thin, then I could.  Cause after all, I spent most of my adulthood swearing I'd never get as big as she is.  Now, I know that's not fair, but that's just what I'd feel when I saw her.  She's got debilitating back pain from her weight.  She's already had surgery on her back for it.  And I have to say that every time I see a "before" glimpse of myself I see my mom.  And perhaps that is the real issue here.  

Oh the issues...  When do they end?  

I'm working on loving myself.  Giving myself a break.  Embracing the moment and where I'm at.  But this stuff is hard and the shit is just hitting the fan over and over at this point in my life.  I guess when you turn 30 you start learning who you really are.  And I'm sure that process carries you well into old age.  But there's just something significant about all these decisions I've made in the last year.  The first being the cancelation of my tummy tuck.  It was with that decision that I felt like I was choosing a hard road for the better outcome.  I knew having another child was something that was meant to be for me.  I knew it.  But the vanity in me wanted my body, my tummy tuck, my control, my little compact life that fit portably where ever I needed it to.  And one day I just decided to listen to God and my heart and cancel that pre-op appointment.  And from there on I feel like I hit a V in the road and chose a more self sacrificing road, albeit life giving.  

So here I'm at on this road where nothing feels in control.  Where the work never quite feels done.  Where not even sleep is something that can be counted on.  Where God is just beating the flesh right out of me.  LOL   I got to give up this need to control things.  It's catching up with me and it's making me miserable.  I've got three amazing children.  I love them more than life itself.  They are my everything.  And I truly cannot imagine a life without Shepherd.  He is God's perfect will for me.  I was made to be his mother.  I am so glad I cancelled that surgery.  

This is a new place that calls for a new plan.  A plan that may not fit into my "plan" before.  But it's still a plan.  I will lose this weight.  But I've got to do so with a kind heart towards my body.  I can't be at odds with it.  

I did a nice 4 mile brisk walk today with Shepherd.  It was such a pretty day.  I was outside most of the day after that because after school my kids had playdates at the park.  We played in sand boxes, swung high, took a nature walk, found an inch worm, later found a snail.  It was good.  

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Talk me down

I caught a glimpse of me in the mirror today and wanted to cry.  I feel like I look like my "before" picture and I've always said I'd never be there again.  I've been really struggling between feeling okay and positive, to feel like it's just such a big task to lose this weight.  And the minute I start the self hating, I start eating.  It's that cycle thing....

It's so hard having done this all before and being so successful at it and then having to start from scratch.  Not only that but living a constantly "interrupted" life with three kids.  I just feel like I can't finish a sentence, let alone count points.  But at the end of the day that's an excuse.  

I know I can do this.  I think I just feel like I have to do this QUICKLY.  I feel this urgency to hurry up and be skinny again.  And each day that slips by I feel this stress creep in.  Especially when I've been gaining and losing the same three pounds for what seems like months now.  And that really, really pisses me off.   What am I waiting for?  What am I holding onto this weight for?  Why am I doing this to myself? 

I know this is more than just the externals.  I know I'm struggling with feeling love for myself.  I'm pretty hard on myself.  I have a cut throat mentality when it comes to body image.  It's not good.  And it's not helping.  Ya know how they say that losing weight doesn't solve all your problem?  Bull shit! LOL  It sure felt that way to me!  When I was 140 and a size 4/6 I had a great body image!  In fact, I felt so good about myself that I couldn't remember what it was like to not like my body.  I mean, I did want a tummy tuck for my excess skin, but all in all I was really happy.  And I feel like I'm back in this familiar self talk.  "You're fat.  That's it."  "You can't stay OP to save your life!"  "You can run all you want, but it won't undo the binge you had last night."  

Ugh.

I know I'll be okay, but in this instance, I'm just feeling defeated.  I need a spark.  Some inspiration.  I do well with a challenge.  But the problem right now is that my life is a challenge right now.  Not bad, but challenging.  Leaving me deflated mentally and physically. I'm going to really try my best to love myself through this.  I'm not quitting, but I know that I'm not being fair.  I know I'm sneaking bigger portions and calling them "one portion," I'm taking nibbles that add up, I'm medicating with food. 

Well, the baby is going to wake up soon.  I'm going to take two of my kids (big one is on a play date) to the park and run with the double stroller.  I'm hoping the endorphins will sore and give me a boost of life. Tonight we're having friends over and I'm planning to eat salad instead of the tacos we're planning.  Mainly because I only have 10 pts left.  And I'd like to have a glass of wine. I need to do what I did before- if I'm out of points- get creative, don't give in.  

More later.... but here's my tracker so far:

Breakfast:
luna: 4 pts
mocha: 5 pts (freaking whip cream)

Snack:
hardboiled egg: 2 pts
apple: 1 pt

Lunch:
Willy's spicy chicken salad with a little cheese, sour cream and salsa: 10 pts
2 chips: 1 pt
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