More Exercise=More Hunger=More Ass Fat

Well, not your ass fat.  My ass fat.  And really, I'm ok with the ass fat.  Baby got back.  I just want Baby to have less thigh.  Baby got back, but lean thigh.

So I have a subscription to Fitness magazine.  I like to read it in the bathroom.  I'm not ashamed.  You do it too.  The bathroom is the only place us moms can justifiably lock ourselves in a room while our children scream and pound on the door and not have CPS called on us.  Plus, you get to read.  Score.

Anyway, while in the bathroom reading, there was an article about how working out can actually cause weight gain.  So should we stop working out?  A smarty pants at Harvard says no.

"No, but it's not a panacea for weightloss either, because it does increase your appetite.  The food- exercise equation is imbalanced.  It may take an hour to burn 500 calories but only five minutes to eat them back."-Kendrin Sonneville, R.D., a researcher at the Harvard School of Public Health

Sorry fellow lazy asses-I was hoping for a get out of jail free card too. Actually, I'd still workout because I actually like it.  And I think it makes me sane.  Almost.

And then I read one thing that I've experienced over and over again.   Exercise suppresses the appetite.  Brilliant!  Burn calories and eat less.

"But later that day, your body's hunger hormones can surge, making you want to eat.  At the same time, your body's satiety hormones-the ones that signal that you're full-may decrease." -Barry Braun, Ph.D., professor of kinesiology and director of the Energy Metabolism Laboratory at the University of Massachusetts. 

So that explains the Oh-My-God-I-Need-A-Paula-Dean-Meal break down about 3 hours after a long run.  And I can't stop eating.

Their advice?

On regular workout days:

• Take a few bites of an energy bar before or during workout

On intense workout days (more than 60 mins):

• Focus on carb rich foods (not garlic bread) the meals before.  So if you're running 10 miles at 7am tomorrow morning.  Eat some whole wheat pasta with chicken and a sweet potato and your body will use it to push through the run.  
• Bring along some electrolytes along for the post 60 mins.  Gatorade or Gummy chews.  

And if I'm running 10 miles and gaining 10 lbs- I'll be one very Grumpy Jen.  And you don't want a Grumpy Jen.

Sursly.

The Love of My Life

I'd like to introduce you to the new love of my life.  We have a hot, steamy relationship that will never go cold.  

My new espresso machine and milk frother:

One of the many perks of running a business out of your home.  It's a business write off!

And the best part:  you get cute little espresso pods:

You slip one of these bad boys in there (that's what she said) and it makes your espresso in 30 secs!

And the Frother...

You guys!

The Frother froths in 30 sec TOO! 

(Do I have a lisp?)

And the latte is seriously Hole-In-The-Wall-Cool-Coffee-Shop grade.

Add a little somethin' somethin'...

And behold!

Breakfast of champions:

Ginger Glazed Mahi Mahi & Simple Greens

I get easily intimidated by fish. First of all they're sea creatures- or lake creatures- it doesn't matter- they can be tricky. I've had my fair share of encounters with some very WRONG fish.  One time my sister and I were sea kayaking just off shore in the Atlantic.  A wave came up full of fish (I insisted they were tuna) and broke on us- while fish smacked us in the faces.  I got so spooked that I aborted the mission, jumped ship and swam to shore.  I've seen Shark Week too much.  Plus, I can be a little dramatic sometimes.

So I'm stretching myself in trying new fish recipes and getting fish on the dinner table more often than not. But the benefits outweigh the potential ick factor so I press on. And I'm glad I did because I found a fab recipe! I can pretend I came up with it, but that would be lying. (Thank you allrecipes.com) However, the Simple Greens I did wing and it came out good!

Glazed Mahi Mahi

( I have no picture- for I devoured it before I thought of it!)

I bought Trader Joe's frozen Mahi Mahi filets and thawed them

3 tablespoons honey

3 tablespoons soy sauce

3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

1 teaspoon grated fresh ginger root

1 clove garlic, crushed or to taste

2 teaspoons olive oil

4 (6 ounce) mahi mahi fillets

salt and pepper to taste

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

Directions:

In a shallow glass dish, stir together the honey, soy sauce, balsamic vinegar, ginger, garlic and olive oil. Season fish fillets with salt and pepper, and place them into the dish. If the fillets have skin on them, place them skin side down. Cover, and refrigerate for 20 minutes to marinate.

Heat vegetable oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Remove fish from the dish, and reserve marinade. Fry fish for 4 to 6 minutes on each side, turning only once, until fish flakes easily with a fork. Remove fillets to a serving platter and keep warm.

Pour reserved marinade into the skillet, and heat over medium heat until the mixture reduces to a glaze consistently. Spoon glaze over fish, and serve immediately.

Simple Greens

1 bag of Trader Joe's mixed greens (mustard, turnip, collards, spinach)

1 container of Trader Joe's stir fry veggies (or your own medley)

1.5 cups chicken broth

1 onion, diced

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 tbsp olive oil

2 tbsp butter (call me Paula Dean)

2 tbsp apple cider vinegar

Salt and pepper to taste

Sauté onion, garlic and olive oil. 

Maybe add a tablespoon of butter or 4.  Whose counting?

Add stir fry veggies and broth.

 Bring to a boil and add the rest.

 Cook down for about 15 mins. Serve over brown rice or couscous. Eat with hot sauce (unless you're a Pansy, then just plain)

Pug patiently waiting for droplets from the only one who will feed her.

Losing My Religion

It's an odd thing to not diet after 5 years of "successful" dieting. And every once in a while I have this thrill flare through me at the prospect of going on some "cleanse" or some extreme diet for a week. I remember back in February I totally did Atkins for 2 weeks. I laugh out loud at that because Atkins is so fucking ridiculous. I lost 10 lbs. But the idea of having something, anything, limitless was a relief for me. Nevermind that I was bloated up like a puffer fish and didn't poop for 3 weeks- I WAS LOSING WEIGHT!! It was fabulous.

And so lately I've been tempted to diet.

Maybe just limit portion control.

Or maybe count calories.

Or maybe eliminate carbs. Carbs are such bitches anyway, right?

Or.......maybe Im just not happy with my "natural weight." In my opinion my natural weight leaves a little to be desired in the back of my thighs. Sometimes I catch myself staring at my thighs at the dinner table- completely unaware of how ridiculous it is. Like, full on leaning over and getting a full glimpse. (I just stopped while writing to look at my thighs)

But that's how It happens, right? We hit a good stride of contentment and then out of nowhere we're Overweight, Unhappy, Unsatisfied, and Back. Back to Here. And you know where Here is. Where you're not enough. Where happiness is found only in size 29 Seven For All Mankind jeans and spanx-less fitted tops. Where tabloid shots of celebrities are the control model. With their "body after baby" bodies that run like projectors in front of images of your kids, simple sweetness, present life.

Where "me time" becomes more important than ever because you're looking for Me again. Where the hell did she just go?? Because you can't find Me in the images in your head. You're back to where you're still not enough.

I'm pretty sure I weigh the exact same as I did when I quit dieting.  Which is great.  But I haven't lost. And I guess you could say I'm lingering in Not Enough.  Just a little bit.  But trudging through and going back to Me.  I guess this is how it works.  3 steps forward, 2 steps back.

I went back to my very first post on this blog.  And it occurred to me while reading through the chronicles of weight loss that I did have a good mindset.  I remember basically behaving like I was a size 6.  I lived life like I was already at goal.  I *knew* I'd reach it.  And it was healthy at that point in time.  And somewhere I got lost.  Counting points now doesn't mean the same thing as counting points then did.  And hell, I'd be happy to count points again if I could get back to that place.  Of hopefulness, patience, beauty, love, life.  I was positive.  I was content in the plan.  I trusted the plan.

Do I make sense?

I'm going to the pool now with my kids and Ed.  I'm putting on a bikini because it's all I own.  One pieces were burned after the tummy tuck.  Here's to my thighs!

*clink*

I'm going to get all Oprah on your ass...

So I went and read me a book called Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth.  It "read my mail."  Totally.  It has completely changed the way I see myself and food.  I really can't remember when I clung to food.  It seems like forever.  I know it's always been an escape, a numbing drug, a way to feed myself love.  It's like a my "my own personal brand of heroin" as Edward would say to Bella.  I am Edward.  Bella is food.  Where in the hell am I going with this?

The first time I felt in control of my heroin was after I had Amelia.  When I was perfect to a T with diet and lost 80 lbs.  But I remember going past my Flex points one day after 7 months of complete perfection.  I was really upset.  Oddly upset.  Crying.  I called a friend and "confessed" it.  I wanted her to tell me I was still okay.  That I wouldn't get fat again.  And that moment was the beginning of my obsession with "losing weight."  If I stayed on plan- it was a good day.  If I went over my points- it was a bad day.  It was my religion.  I had no real sense of contentment or "goodness" unless I was in control of my eating.  I was not enough until I reached "goal."  I was not enough.

And so I read this...

"Can you remember a time, perhaps when you were very young, when life as it was- just the fact that it was early morning or any old day in summer- was enough?  When you were enough- not because of what you looked like or what you did, but just because every thing was the way it was.  Nothing was wrong.  When you were sad, you cried and then it was over.  You were back to a fundamental feeling of positivity, of goodness just because you were alive.  What if you could live that way now?  And what if your relationship to food was the doorway?"

What?   No, but see I'm fine.  I just have to lose 10 lbs.  It's not a big deal.

"No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul."

Oh shit.  Now I gotta be all crazy-inner-healing-praying-girl.  I mean, I pray.  But I don't "deal."  Dealing with pain, emotional pain, makes me want to bolt.  I'd rather eat grass.  Do 100 jump squats.  Hold a plank for 20 mins.  Diet.

"Dieting was like praying.  It's a plaintive cry to whoever was listening: I know I am fat.  I know I am ugly.  I know I am undisciplined, but see how hard I try.  See how violently I restrict myself, deprive myself, punish myself.  Surely there must be a reward for those who know how horrible they are.....Making the decision to stop dieting was like committing heresy, like breaking a vow that was never supposed to be broken.  It was like saying, 'You were wrong, God.  You were wrong, Mom.  I am worth something.'"

And so the realization hits me hard:  I fill my life with goals to distract myself from being present.  Because if I'm working toward a "goal,"  I can be swept up in that task.  And not deal.

Geneen Roth tells the women at her retreats: 

"I tell them that ending the obsession with food is all about the capacity to stay in the present moment.  To not leave themselves.  I tell them that they don't have to make a choice between losing weight and doing this."

Ding! Ding! Ding!  My first thoughts on reading this book was that this lady was going to tell me to embrace my thighs, stop caring about weight loss and like me.  And that kind of thinking makes me feel like I can't breathe.  My obsession with weight loss (whether its fruitful or not) fills me.  It gives me meaning.  I know.  Sounds ridiculous.  But hey- I was successful!  I did it 4 years ago!  And hell, I'm only 7 lbs from where I was 4 years ago.  But I just..can't...get...there.  It's like it's just sitting out of reach and I can't do it.  And so what do I do?  Well, another project of course.  Yeah.  If I get all hard core and shoot to be a figure competitor then I'll have to lose the weight.  I'll have no choice.  And so I get obsessed with figure competing.

"Obsession gives you something to do besides having your heart shattered by heart-shattering events....  It creates a parallel world, a hologram of emotions, passions, breathtaking reversals.  It gives you the illusion of feeling everything without having to be vulnerable to anything.  In the drama of obsession, you are the star, the costar, the director, the producer....Obsession is a way of organizing our lives so that we never have to deal with the hard part-the part that happens between two years old and dying.  We compulsive eaters wouldn't have an obsession with food if we believed that life was tolerable without it." 

You know where this is going.  But I cannot have a realization like this and still be consumed with my "project."  And so I'm doing it.  I'm quitting.  Fuck figure competitors!  Nah, just kidding.  Fuck projects.  Fuck anorexia of the soul.  Life is too short.  In some ways I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  In other ways I feel terrified of not losing those last pounds.  Losing ground.  Being a quitter.  A flake.  And I fear that some of you are thinking that I'm just being lazy and using this book to give me a ticket out of this figure thing.  I fear a lot.  I can be a very paranoid girl.

So what's my theme?  My goal?  What am I doing?  You know, bloggers have to have goals.  You have to be onto something.  Doing something.  And then post pics of it.

I am doing nothing.

Absolutely nothing.  I mean, I'm going to be here.  I'm going to ramble.  I still love fitness.  I still love mochas.  But I can't, with any presence of mind, be a figure competitor right now.  The perfection of diet and hard workouts are counterproductive to being "enough," because you're only striving towards changing yourself.

I want to deal with my need for distraction.  Hell, I have no idea what "dealing" looks like.  I've been through years of therapy that never touched this food stuff.  But I feel strongly in my gut that I read this book at the time I needed to.  And I want to be present.  For myself.  My husband.  My kids.  I just want to enjoy life because I can and I deserve to.  I want to be enough.

Kale Chips!

Kale, kale the wonderful veggie.  The more you eat it, the more you.....  get a wedgie?

I'm funny, right?

Kale is good.  Real good.  Go read how good it is here. 

I've heard everyone on Twitter (I'll call them my Twizzlers because that's what I naturally want to say) talking about kale chips.  So I finally decided to prove them wrong and make them.  And so I did.  

Kale Chips

Make sure you get fresh, sturdy kale.  Not puny, soft kale.  

Peel off the leaves, leaving the stalk behind.  Tear into bite size pieces.

Toss with some olive oil

Spread on cookie sheet with Edward Cullen overlooking you as you cook (note pic)

Sprinkle with salt, garlic powder, onion powder, and (if you want) cayenne pepper for spice.

Bake at 350 for 16 mins.  Yes, not 15, 16.  

I gotta tell you- they were good!  Very crunchy and flavorful.  And very low in calories (50 per cup) and chucked full of good stuff.  You could add these to salads and sandwiches for crunch or just eat them plain.  I prefer plain.  I saw somewhere that someone dipped them in ketchup.  Don't do that, because that's disgusting and you would be weird.  But there was a part of me that wanted to dip them in that Lipton's french onion dip stuff.  

I also snapped a pic of my dinner.  It was gooood.  Marinated pork chops, sweet potato, fresh green beans (quickly blanched with lots of crunch) and some chopped salad with radishes, jimica and boston lettuce with homemade Tahini dressing from the other night.  And I have to brag that my kids were eating the green beans raw after I snapped them and waited for the water to boil.  Booyah!  (I'm clearly a better mother than you.)

And after dinner and kid's bath and bed time- I cleaned up the kitchen and headed upstairs to throw a load in the wash.  I was shocked and horrified to stumble upon the leftovers of afternoon play. 

Monkey and Horsey enjoyed play time a little too much: