Friday, July 06, 2007

I'm in a rut. Surprsingly, it's not a weight related rut. I'm down to 139 again according to my scale. I think I'm in a life rut. Food is still an all dominately thing in my life. But I kinda had this revelation two days ago that there is something that is causing this to happen. There is some whole I'm trying to fill. And so the last two days I've actually had a hard time eating. I've had a horrible stomach ache. I don't know if it's nerve related or purely physcial. I just feel unrooted and over everything. I'm tired of counting points, I'm tired of wanting to run and not being able too (damn toe), I'm tired of cooking, I'm tired of thinking, I'm tired of being tired. *sigh*

I have this need to get in the car and just keep driving. Maybe I'm having a mid life crisis at 29. ? I read little pieces of "The Five Love Languages For Kids" at Barnes&Nobles a couple weeks ago and was really excited to give back to my kids what they're specific love language is. For Fischer it's "quality time." But then I thought: what kid doesn't want quality time? So I've been playing with him on the floor. Making lots of eye contact, having undistracted conversations with him, doing puzzles, etc. And it occured to me that I never got that as a child. I know my parents did the best they could. But I don't remember having consistent, long, undistracted attention. They worked full time. I was always in sports and had a very busy life. But when things slowed down, I was anxious. I do remember going to food in those moments. Eating comforted me. Made me feel full and loved. I also remember everyone telling me to eat. I was an athlete and burned everything I ate up. I remember hearing my mom say: "She eats all the time and doesn't gain an oz." a lot. And I think I just prided myself on that through highschool. I specifically remember eating an entire pizza in front of my friends just to prove I could eat a ton. I was this toned, thin, size 2-4 girl that ate like a football player. Then around my senior year I began to gain a little. It freaked me out. By college I had put on 30 ish pounds. It never really occurred to me to diet until my sophmore year in college. Enter Atkins diet.... Lost 20 lbs. Got married. Enter Vegan diet. Lost 20 lbs. Got pregnant. Gain 65 lbs. Continue eating like a football player. Lose some of the weight, but not all. Get pregnant again. Eat like a football player. And then start this blog and join Weigh Watchers. And here I am. I lost all my weight, feel good. Back down to highschool size (kinda) and yet here I am more bewildered and confused about food than ever.

I just wish for one day I could not think about food and what to eat. I wish I was born with that chromosome that says: "Hey, I'm hungry, I'll eat and then stop when I'm full!" What a concept. You'd think with all the technology in the worlds that they would have discovered the "secret" to food related issues. But, then again, the truth is there isn't a secret. It's either a thorn in your side the rest of your life, or it isn't. I, obviously, fit into the former.

I almost didn't post because I feel so weird lately. But I figure, this is real and this is life, no sense in pretending. To help lighten things up, I'll post a pic of my friend and I dancing in my living room the other night. That made me happy. :)


Candace Smartt said...

Jen - I love you.

It's a journey isn't it?
I think we're are suppose dto enjoy this journey....
How's the toe? I miss you in Total Body (it wasn't good last week...we had a sub so you didn't miss much)
Heal toe...heal!

Andrea said...

Thanks for your honesty and real post. Hope all is better soon.

yeahwright (susan) said...

I hear ya, I am having a bad week and want to just eat junk after a reasonable meal. Hunger has nothing to do with it and I wish I was one of those people that can eat and not worry. You are an inspiration to others (me included).

Premade Design by Delicious Design Studio