Friday, July 13, 2007

So, if I'm missing in action for a few days, you can safely assume I'm up to no good. I had an emotionally hard week last week and couldn't bring myself to eat at all. I got on the scale at one point and was 139 lbs. And then last Sunday I felt better and started to eat again. I think the starving and then eating screwed up my metabolism. I got on the scale this morning and it was 144! I really suck at this maintainance thing. *sigh* Then last night we had some people over for poker and I had my "game plan" of fat free popcorn and diet ginger ale to snack on. I snacked on that and then someone came that hadn't eaten dinner, so they ordered a pizza. I had no feeling of hunger or even wanting pizza until it came and I ate 2 PIECES!!! WTH??? It's like I have the momentary lapses where I eat and don't think. It made me feel really awful. I get so mad at myself and then feel like I'm falling off the wagon. You know those studies your read where people lose a bunch of weight but aren't able to keep it off and gain it all back and then some? I'm terrified that'll be me. So everytime I slip up, I fall into that mind set of feeling out of control and slipping back into my old self. Like I'm simply a statistic.

I'm due for my period in a couple days, which could explain the icky bloating and gain, but it certainly doesn't explain all of it. I know I need to once again reign myself in and just start fresh. I'm such a numbers person. If they scale says I've gain, then I eat like I want to gain. If it says I've lost, I'll stay OP rather effortlessly. One thing I'm learning is to not rely souly on the scale. But rather how I feel. If I eat like butt, well then I'll feel like butt. If I eat well, I'll feel better, have more energy and have a good outlook on everything. So why would I choose to eat awful when I don't have to? That, my friends, is the biggest mystery of all.

Today has been good. I've sort of experimented with Core again. Mainly because I'm tired of feeling so bloated and on Core I felt better- even though I was lacking my staple endulgences.

Here's my tracker so far:

All Bran cereal
Skim milk
1 sliced up banana

Chicken Salad from Pangea. It come with carrots, fresh ginger, fresh, roasted veggies and a yummy vinegarette.

Nf, sf Latte

I'll probably make some vegetarian chile with avacado and Fage yogurt to go with. Oh- and a fresh tomato from my garden!

I can do this.... I know I can.

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