Hitting Walls and Moving Forward

Yesterday at 2:30 I hit a wall. You know that wall where you know you can't take a nap because your kids need a suitable parental figure to keep them from killing themselves (and believe me, they will) but you're so tired you hit a wall and want to curl up in a fetal position and enter a drug induced coma? Maybe it's just me.  Anyway, in an effort to avoid the library again:

(Yes, I go to the library and hook them up to virtual books and book reading.  You know, cause apparently it's not good enough when Mommy just reads it to us.  They like it.  I get a mocha on the way.  Win/win.)

Anyway, I was still recovering from total lack of sleep and my husband swooped in to the rescue. He suggested we go to the Aquarium. We live walking distance from the Aquarium and never go. At first I looked at Ed and though: "Can you take all three and I'll stay here and watch a Lifetime movie?" But then I reluctantly got on board and we headed out. I'm glad I did. It gave me an energy boost and the kids had a fun time.

I love this picture...

Picture with "Shark Man."

Then we decided after seeing all the magical, wonderful sea creatures....

that we'd like to go eat some...

Shepherd is not a fan of Crawfish..

Side note for Lost fans....Our waiter at the restaurant was named Jacob and I've been in Lost marathons lately trying to catch up to finale and mentioned to him that..."I've been watching Lost and it's all about this Jacob and so it's, like, funny that your name is Jacob because all I keep hearing about is Jacob and...oh yeah...er..so can I have a glass of wine?"  

He's never seen Lost.  I appear stupid.  Ed is, as usual, embarrassed by me.

On the exercise front...I made it to bootcamp this morning without anyone having a baby to distract me!  We burned 500+ calories easily.  And by easily- I mean we didn't even complete the workout I had planned before time was up and we reached our calories goal.  But it was hard.  Sprints, suicides, pyramid sets, planks, push ups.  Phew!  The group is growing with the summer crowd and we're cranking it up a notch.  If you live in Atlanta and want a good workout for free- come join us!

On the eating front...  I got to Trader Joe's yesterday and have stocked up the frig.  I cooked a batch of chicken breasts in the crockpot for lunches this week and made some sweet potatoes and brown rice to pull out as needed.  No excuse to eat shizzznit.  I'm back on track and just doing what I know to do- feed my body well and don't look back.  I've made a deal with myself that I won't get on the scale until Memorial Day (Monday).  I want to give body time to regulate with good nutrition and exercise before I see the numbers.  Plus, I'm finishing up my lady business.  I don't get near the scale on my period.  Duh.


Other notable things...

Apparently Shepherd knows exactly how to use a tampon.  He found a package in my bathroom cabinet, got one out and proceeding to squat down and put it near his rear end.   Ed is mortified.

When we asked Fischer what "bad" words he knows in an effort to discuss stuff like this openly, he immediately said "Fuck."    Fuck.

Amelia informed me that Chloe (the cat at her Montissori School) killed a chip monk.  "So then Ms. Heather just put it in the woods so it can decompose and come back to life as soil."  That'll work for now.

"Mikey" from the Goonies is the voice of Oso on Special Agent Oso.  Just sayin.

Turned my dining room into a playroom.  I can't believe I haven't done this sooner.  Yes, baby is climbing up tall toy bin holder in picture.  It's cool though, he moved on to the electrical outlets thereafter and didn't fall.

FALSE LABOR 2010!!

Wow.  So after my CRAB RAGOON MANIA 2010 weekend, I had FALSE LABOR MANIA 2010 this week!!!  Off the hook ya'll.

Sunday....
7am- Client calls. Contracting.  We talk on and off and she goes to hospital to get checked.  Nothing really happening.  She goes home.

4pm- Shepherd gets a high fever.  Lethargic, whimpering, so, so pitiful.  Lays on my chest for 3 straight hours.  I put him to bed.

10 pm- Shepherd up again.  Meds barely warding off the fever.  Poor guy.  I rock him for an hour.  Falls asleep.

12am-My head hits the pillow.  *RING*  Client headed to the hospital again in "early labor." I meet her at hospital.  After it was established client was having extreme prodromal labor (could have told her that, but that's a whole other story)- we all left at 3am.

Monday...
6am- Bootcamp.  Yeah right.  I missed it.

Made it through the day with no sleep and sick kids.  Poor buddies.

5:30pm- Went to bed at 5:30pm. Yes, 5:30pm.  Slept until 6:30am!  Boooyah!

Tuesday....

Get my special monthly friend....

Kids are feeling better though!

12 pm.  My OTHER JUNE client calls.  Contracting.  WHa??!  "You're only 37 weeks!"  Around 4pm contractions were 4 minutes apart and strong.  I meet her at hospital.  I could tell by the look on her face when I saw her that she was not in labor.  Either I'm a bad doula or these ladies were really convincing on the phone.  Oh Lordy.  We get checked- 2cm.  We choose to go have dinner and walk around a bit to see if anything happens.  Nothing happens.  Discharged.  I got to bed at 1am.  Missing bootcamp again.

Wednesday....

6am-My OTHER client from the OTHER false labor calls.  At hospital.  5cm.  Having a baby.  Phew.  Okay- headed to the hospital.  She has a beautiful VBA2C!  Yah mom!

1pm- I head home.  You know I'm tired and cranky when I pull into a sub place.  I downed a bag of jalepeno cheddar chips all wide-eyed-crazy-like while waiting for my sub.  Eat Inhale sub.

Get through day with kids (they were so good for mommy!).

Get mocha, naturally.

6pm- Order chinese food, cause holy-shit-I'm-tired-and hungry-and-I-don't-give-a-damn.  Eat my weight in Sweet and Sour Shrimp.  (No crab ragoons though!)

9pm- Asleep


There ya go!  No exercise.  No good food really.  And I feel like I've gained 5 lbs but scared to get on scale.  I know I just need a good week of sleep and exercise to feel better.  But right now I'm feeling like a bloated, sugar laden, sweet n sour chicken eatin', fattened calf.

Monday Mantras...

Note to self.....

Just because Ed suggests we eat out one night doesn't mean you have to eat cheese dip by the ladle full.

Just because there is a baby shower does not mean you have to have the most ginormous piece of cake.  After a full, healthy lunch. There was a veggie tray you know.  Totally untouched.  You would have had free reign of it.  Hell, you could have loaded it up with ranch dressing and come out better.

Just because you're friend comes in town to do your hair (cause she's a super, fantab sylist) and then her husband brings back La Fonda late at night doesn't mean you have to eat the chips they're offering.  And the guacamole.  AFTER you already had a complete dinner and were already feeling stuffed and bloated.

Just because you get called out to a birth on no sleep doesn't mean the ONLY breakfast option is a sugary sweet blueberry muffin.  There were hardboiled eggs right there in the frig.

Just because you're PMSing doesn't give you permission to eat like a crazy woman.  Even though you're, well, crazy.

Friday can be summed up in two words: Crab Ragoons.

You've fed Mocha Dragon a little too much and she's about to lay one big Cadberry Egg.   Reign in it a little.

You pretty much stopped tracking your food on Wednesday and let the rest of the week/weekend  go to shit.

Yeah, this will probably result in a weight gain.  And you will lose some ground.


Good news is that you also made smart choices this week too.  You resisted eating out on a very stressful solo parent day and instead cooked a healthy meal for you and your kids.

Opting for grilled chicken salad has become easier than before.

Egg whites are growing on you.

Planning ahead is becoming a habit for you and it makes things so much easier on you.

You have made big changes.  

You're doing really really well.   Keep going.   And smile while you're at it.

Is weight loss in your head?

Being a doula teaches me so much about fitness and healthy living.  I say to my clients all the time: "your body will follow your mind, be careful what you're telling yourself."  This is so true for women, in general.  But what's interesting is that it really impacts the image we project of ourself in our minds.  Ever have days where you feel really good?  You've been nurturing your body with good food and good exercise and then you step on the scale and it's not giving you the numbers you want and suddenly in a matter of minutes you feel fat and ugly?  And then that projected idea of yourself some how erases any good things you've done for yourself and you follow your mind.  You follow your mind down that path where small choices don't seem to matter, where you'll never succeed, where you feel like you're buried under it all and it feels like the weight of the world?  And so then how can you pick yourself up and start back?

God can I relate to this.

And I think this happens to every well intentioned, well disciplined healthy liver.   And I think the reason it devastates us so much is because we sort of live our lives with our flags at half mass.   Because our life can't really begin until we're thin and fit, right?  And so we sort of view everything threw our mind fog.  No clothes really look cute because we're still at X weight.  We don't take pictures with our kids because we're fat.  We miss out on life because we don't accept ourself as we are.  Because we think too much about the goal and what the "other side" will be like.  The other side is, after all, greener- right?  Right?

It's not.  Sure, one demon might be slain, but 7 more will pop up in it's place.  It's like they're having a big fucking party in our head- waiting to rearrange and set up camp in a new area.  And destroying things left and right.  So, what if we lived like we were  skinny?  What if we took pictures and bought clothes and felt beautiful, even though (gasp) we aren't "skinny?"  What if we faked it till we maked it?  I know that sounds all wrong- but it's my only real grammatical option to make my point okay?  What if we just chose to raise our flags high (I know- cheese ball, but stick with me)?  Because the thing is- either you can choose to be happy now WHILE losing weight (if that's your goal).  Or you can be miserable and feel like you've been on a diet for 10 years with no progress.  Because the attitude behind it really is the determining factor in whether you'll reach your goal.  And please make it a realistic goal-  no sense in beating yourself up over unrealistic expectations.

If you can relate to this at all- please go get "Women, Food, and God" by Geneen Roth.  So, so insightful.  I'm reading it now and she's totally rocking my world.  For those of us that have so much baggage tied up in food and weight- it's like our Elizabeth Gilbert.   Except cooler.  And she won't braid our hair.  I don't really know what that means, but it made me giggle.

Okay- that's your Friday Fraggles.  I pulled that out of my ass.  What if every Friday I posted something under Friday Fraggles?  Did you guys watch Fraggle Rock?   I miss that show...

Okay- SMOOCHES!  Please love yourself.  You will make it.

Jazz Hands,

Jen

Backyard Bootcamp

Sometimes us mamas cannot access a solid block of time to workout.  Sometimes we use that as an excuse to not workout.  Sometimes I like to pretend Edward Cullen is spotting me on chest presses.  But that's not really on topic.  Where was I?  Sometimes you have to carve out time with the kids and get your workout in.  Now, it may not be solid sets/reps like you type -A-ers might like- but it'll get the job done. The other morning Fischer (my favorite- as I tell all of them) came on the back porch with me to do some strength.  

First we started with a protein shake:

Then I had him do some tricep dips.  He did, like, two and then thought it was over.

Bwaaaahaahahahaha!

Next the plank:

Wall Sit:

Asked to catch his breathe:

Other ideas?

Play airplane
Race up the stairs
Ride your bikes
Jump on the trampoline (with Depends)

And then for more protein shake:

Pic of my bootcampers!

I love these girls.  They're all so funny and work really hard.  Two of my favorite qualities in people!  I wouldn't want to get up at 5:40am every morning if it weren't for them.  They're cool.

Here we are warming up with a run:

Tricep Dips:

(Or Turrets Dips as I like to call them)

Mmmmmm  Up/Down Planks:  

Meghan in the green is totally cheating in this pic.  Her ass should be DOWN!

Tara is not cool with me taking her pic: 

Wall Sits:

Ashely is growling at me:

Stop and smell the roses, would ya?

Last Saturday we had a fun day with the family.  We went to Fischer's last baseball game and trophy awards.  I brought cupcakes for the team that ended up being cup-slushies since it was humid and hot outside.  But they didn't care.  So I didn't either.  Then we headed home to grill out with Noni and Pop!  We let the kids stay up late and run around barefoot (and pantless in Shepherd's case).  Here's some pics because there should be pics of days like these.

Love my roses.  I plant a rose bush each year for Mother's Day. 

Amelia. The most wiling subject to my photographs. 

My oldest an his first baseball trophy!

I love these thighs.  Seriously.  I want to throw them in a crockpot with salt and pepper. 

Nom nom nom nom

That's my girl..

There's Special Ed.  He doesn't like getting his pic taken.  

Don't beat yourself up-just do the small things

I read a quote this weekend on Roni's blog that I love:

“If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.”

This is good for me because lately I've been so focused on results.  And there isn't necessarily anything wrong with that, but it can be counterproductive sometimes.  I remember back in 2006 I used to buy a pair of jeans every now and then that were too small and hang them up and focus on getting into them and it worked.  I buckled down and that motivated me big time.  But just because it worked in 2006 doesn't mean it has to work now.  After all- I'm 4 years older, in my thirties (hello metabolism???) and have grey hairs in the pattern of a dalmation on my head.   And right now I'm really needing to focus on the small, itty bitty changes that pay off big time.  And when I do- I usually see results pretty quickly.  For example, I've been doing no sugar.  Mainly to curb my cravings for sugar.  And sure, maybe one day my calories are below what they normally are and I may have the "room" to eat something sugary.  But I don't.  Because I know that for me, eating sugar results in craving sugar.  It's like a detox.  When I'm clean, I don't desire it as much.  So by taking that small step- I actually avoid a massive, catastrophic sugar epidemic.  And that's just special.

So is this:

I know so many women (don't we all?) that try dieting and fail.  Over and over and over again.  And it kills us!  The guilt, the discouragement, the sense of failure.  Hell, if you go into a bookstore- it's sort of embarrassing how many dieting/health books there are on those shelves.  The section just gets bigger and bigger.  And yet we're the largest people on earth (Americans).  I think it's because we're being sold magic pills and before/after shots.  We look for them and seek them out.  "Lose 14 lbs in 7 days!"  "Eat what you want and get high school skinny!"  "Easiest diet you'll every be on!"  I think they just set us up for failure.  Because we're not really dealing with the moment in time that count: when you're changing your habits.  It takes 21 days for something to become a habit.  No seriously.  There's like evidence and stuff.  So 3 weeks.  (Aren't I smart??)  Think back to diets you've been on.  3 weeks is usually what I call the "honeymoon" phase of diets.  Where its easy simply because it's new and fun and different.  But what happens when it gets old and monotonous and Thanksgiving is around the corner?  Well, you slowly slip off.  And it's at that moment where you make a choice.  And THAT choice is what will set you apart.  Now- I believe in sustainability.  I do not believe in making your diet your religion and getting all Purist on people.  Just have a plan and stick to it.  It might be that you will stay on plan to a T until Thanksgiving dinner- where you'll let yourself have 1 full (read: loaded and piled high) plate and, hey, maybe TWO slices of pie.  And that's your plan.  And maybe that's excessive- but it's your plan and you're sticking to it.  And then guess what?  You won't do the guilt thing where you say "Fuck.  I just screwed this up. Oh well- guess I'll start my diet on New Years Day."  No, you'll feel good about yourself because you stuck to a plan and you're right back at it the next meal.  Now isn't that nice??  Sure, you may not lose that week- but you probably won't gain and you've probably done some considerable damage control.

Wow.  I should really take my own advice sometimes...

Anyway- I'm excited for this year.  I'm excited about all the new things I'm learning about the human body and human mind.  I'm excited to reach some goals and excited that I'm doing it in a healthy, sustainable way.

BTW- I thought for half a second about registering for a Figure Competition on Aug 21st.  But I don't know that I can get to where I need to be in time.  So it might be in the fall or possible beginning of 2011.  But I will have a date soon!  It's a large, fascinating world in the meat head arena- navigating is proving to be tricky.  My new goal for the next few months is to make some friends on the inside.  Gather all the tanned, blonde, ripped ladies around me so that we can braid each other's hair and they can rub off some of their mojo on me (or oil at the least).

Message boards: here I come...

Ch-Ch-Changes (and chocolate dragons)

And I only had a guy come over once to correct my use of the pull up machine!  But the place was dead.  Which is ideal for me.  I completed my full body set and finished up with 20 mins on the elliptical for a little cardio.  About 1.5 hours and 430 calories.  The gym 1.2 miles from my house.  It's across the street from my coffee shop.  So if I calculate that correctly- I'm probably 30 feet from a mocha at any given rep.

The set was hard, but good.  I really like being in front of the mirror and seeing my muscles works.  Did I just type that?  I dunno, there's something cool about seeing your body change and get stronger before your eyes.  I'm noticing big changes in my arms.  I think that's because they carry the least body fat.  I would like to have some pretty defined shoulders at the end of this.  My abs seem to be changing too.  And my quads are definitely defining.  My ass, well, I'm sure under the fluff it's changing too..

I've successfully recovered from my Mother's Day Food Fest and have a good, solid week under my belt.  It's amazing what a week or even a day of healthy eating can do for your mind and body.  Sugar really does zap you.  And just makes you want to have more.  I'm finally experiencing that first hand.  I bought cup cakes for my oldest's baseball trophy awards ceremony today and they're sitting on my kitchen counter.  I don't even have a flicker of desire to eat them.  Not at all.  That's big folks.  Real big.

Speaking of sugar...  I'm trying to cut back on mochas.  I know, I know.  All diets are dead to me if I have to give up mochas.  But, in an effort to meet my goals- physical (and financial for that matter) I've cut way back.   I've tried a few stand ins.  FAIL.  The closest is the Starbuck's Double Shot Espresso Lite.  It's 70 calories.  And it wakes me up.  But I can't nurse it for 2 hours like I do the Grande Mocha.  But it's okay.  It'll do.  But the mocha dragon does not keep her distance.  I have to feed her every now and then.  I imagine the Mocha Dragon looks similar to one of those chocolate bunnies you got in your easter basket.  OH wait- if you google "chocolate dragon," guess what you get?

  Maybe it lays Cadberry Eggs.

Hey little floggers!

It's been a busy few weeks for me.  I wish I had my own nanny to mother my children while I sipped coffee and blogged all day.  Not really.  But kinda, sort.  But, no, not really.  But....


I had my mother's day weekend chow fest and loss some ground.  :(  Discouraging, but I'm not looking back. ** cough2lbgaincough**  I got to chat with my California twinsie the other night for a whole hour!  She really helped put the pieces together and was so helpful.  She knows WAY more than I can even pretend to know about any of this figure training stuff.   But she's got a down to earth "fuck it" mentality too.  I hope she takes that as a compliment, cause I mean it as a compliment.  Anyway- she started talking about things like "Drop Sets," and  "Carb Cycling" and I just kept saying "Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Right."  Like I was all cool and stuff.  And while she's talking I'm frantically you tubing and wikipedia-ing the bejesus out of my computer trying to keep up.  It a new world of learning techniques and names and sets and proteins and macro nutrients and supplements and styles  and blueberry tea and resting and compound sets, and...and...and the list can go on all mother loving day.  And for this home grown bootcamper that just sort of shows up and pushes herself until she almost pukes, but doesn't- that's intimidating.  BUT I'm getting there.  I feel like I need to take a "Lifting 101 class."

Anyway- so with that- I'm off to the gym!  I'm going to show up and look like a complete dork.  I have no idea how much to lift or what some of the exercises are that I'm doing.  I mean, some I know- but call them my own,  formal name like "elbows up" for upright rows.  I'm special like that.  I'm taking a printed list of exercises so that I can check them off the list.  Some have descriptions like: "the one where you look like you're kayaking."

This will be interesting....

Mutha's Day Weekend Beeeeyotch!

So, I think I got a little diva this weekend with all the wonderful treatment I received from my husband and kids and got into the "you deserve it" mentality and ate too much.  I didn't binge or anything- just indulged too much for where my focus has been.  But, it's okay.  I'm back on track and building muscle!

I did, however, have a fabulous Mother's Day weekend.  I got to sleep until 10 freaking 30!  Then I awoke to this:

Fischer made me two cards:

It says: 

"I lic my mom beccus yoo play with me."

Then:

"I luv my mom becus yoo let mee go to resrut."

(picture of us sitting at a table together eating at a restaurant)

Then he made another card on photoshop on Daddy's computer: 

"I like my mom because she lets me make food with her and she lets me play with her and she lets me play legos and I am so happy.  I just like her because she lets me do everything." 

And there's a cute pic of Fischer and I back in 2003.

Then Amelia made me this mini notebook of a story of she and I going to New York City.  She's obsessed with NYC and wants to go really bad.  She's a girl after my own heart.  So basically she drew us frolicking around the city.  We sort of look like Humpty Dumpties with arms and legs poked into us that look like twigs.  That's her style...  And I love it. Unfortunately I can't find the small book she made.  She likes to carry things in mini suitcases everywhere she goes "just in case" and I think she carried it to school with her today.  

So that was my morning.  

Then I called my mom to wish her a Happy Mother's Day.  She was in Paris with her friend.  So she was obviously having a great Mother's Day.

But then of course nothing says Mother's Day like spending all day without your children.  So, I met up with some other mamas for a long, drawn out brunch.  It was great. Good conversation and lots of laughing.  Then I headed to a shoe store where I then roamed around and tried on shoes for 45 mins.  No stroller or keeping track of chillins.  Heavenly.  I had made up my mind that I was going to get some gladiator sandals.  And they were going to be all bedazzled and shit.  But after trying about 10 pairs I decided I'd go for some jellies.

Then it was  pedicure time:

They don't play..

And the part where they scrub my foot and I use breathing techniques to not jerk my leg back because I'm crazy ticklish. 

Enjoying the massage chair.  I seriously almost fell asleep.

And that's how I spend my Mother's Day. 

What did you do?

Shout out! My lil sis has a blog!

My sister has finally started blogging!  It's a good thing because she's hilare.  For realsy.  And she's also a fitness lover.  It's like....we're related.

Look- this is probably the most unflattering picture of us together, but we're about to run! 

 I'm pregnant.  Of course.

And now a prettier pic. 

And here we are being us.  I believe we did this for a total of 60 mins.   Mom dropped us on our heads when we were babies.

Go take a look!

Lindsay Rose

What motivates you?

So really.  Why be a fitness fanatic?  Why wake up at the ass crack of dawn to push yourself to the extreme?  I used to make of people who did that.  Or go run 8 miles on your Sunday off?  Or take a kickboxing class?  Why do you do it?  Is it for weight loss?  Is it to get toned by _____ date?  Is it for the endorphins/mental health?  Are you training for something?  What motivates you?

For me fitness is simply a way to express myself.  I find I do better with goals- but the goals are not really the point.  The end result is incidental.  I remember in art school I had an art teacher that had us sketch the most ridiculous things.  Once he had us come into the studio and encircle a group of suitcases.  We had no idea what were in the suitcases, but we had to stare at them for a certain amount of time and then draw what we saw in them.  For 3 hours.  Did I say we had to stare at suitcases for 3 hours?  3 hours.  Anyway, the point was not to figure out what was in the suitcases and draw it perfectly and lifelike.  The point was to sit and watch.  Watch and pray, if you will.  And let the image come to you.  And the process is where the lesson is.

And so how does this relate to wearing a Glittini on stage with glass healed shoes and fake tan? Well, that' my suitcase.  And it's fun to imagine what I'll do and learn to get there.   Live outside of my head (thanks Monica) every once in a while.  See what my body is made of.  How my muscles look when they're strong and nourished well.  Being physical is a very satisfying, primal, organic experience.  I enjoy pushing myself because it removes me from my head and gets me into my body.  It breaks everything down.  It sorts and simplifies without my analyzing or micromanaging.  And then in the end you're heart is pumping, your body is buzzing and you're high.  And it's good. 

For example: I typed this entire blog post in this position.  No, I'm kidding.  Just the first paragraph. 

Work with your body.  Get to know it.  Flaws and all.  Give it the good stuff.  Don't worry- I'm not going to get all Oprah-Elizabeth Gilbert-Eat-Eat-Eat-Eat-Pray-Love on you.  (Notice my inflection on the Eat- cause that was my favorite part of the book. Shocker.) You all are smart enough to know what's good for you without someone spoon feeding it to you while braiding your hair and telling you you deserve it.  For me, despite all logical reasoning, I know that getting up at 5:40am every weekday is good for me.  It is my meditation.  My yoga.  My "me" time.  My prayer.  My way of loving myself.

And so that's my motivation.  And sure the reality of the Glittini makes me eat a little cleaner and skip those impulse snacks.  But the exercise?  Well, that's just plain fun.

Why do you do it?