Thursday, March 19, 2009

Talk me down

I caught a glimpse of me in the mirror today and wanted to cry.  I feel like I look like my "before" picture and I've always said I'd never be there again.  I've been really struggling between feeling okay and positive, to feel like it's just such a big task to lose this weight.  And the minute I start the self hating, I start eating.  It's that cycle thing....

It's so hard having done this all before and being so successful at it and then having to start from scratch.  Not only that but living a constantly "interrupted" life with three kids.  I just feel like I can't finish a sentence, let alone count points.  But at the end of the day that's an excuse.  

I know I can do this.  I think I just feel like I have to do this QUICKLY.  I feel this urgency to hurry up and be skinny again.  And each day that slips by I feel this stress creep in.  Especially when I've been gaining and losing the same three pounds for what seems like months now.  And that really, really pisses me off.   What am I waiting for?  What am I holding onto this weight for?  Why am I doing this to myself? 

I know this is more than just the externals.  I know I'm struggling with feeling love for myself.  I'm pretty hard on myself.  I have a cut throat mentality when it comes to body image.  It's not good.  And it's not helping.  Ya know how they say that losing weight doesn't solve all your problem?  Bull shit! LOL  It sure felt that way to me!  When I was 140 and a size 4/6 I had a great body image!  In fact, I felt so good about myself that I couldn't remember what it was like to not like my body.  I mean, I did want a tummy tuck for my excess skin, but all in all I was really happy.  And I feel like I'm back in this familiar self talk.  "You're fat.  That's it."  "You can't stay OP to save your life!"  "You can run all you want, but it won't undo the binge you had last night."  

Ugh.

I know I'll be okay, but in this instance, I'm just feeling defeated.  I need a spark.  Some inspiration.  I do well with a challenge.  But the problem right now is that my life is a challenge right now.  Not bad, but challenging.  Leaving me deflated mentally and physically. I'm going to really try my best to love myself through this.  I'm not quitting, but I know that I'm not being fair.  I know I'm sneaking bigger portions and calling them "one portion," I'm taking nibbles that add up, I'm medicating with food. 

Well, the baby is going to wake up soon.  I'm going to take two of my kids (big one is on a play date) to the park and run with the double stroller.  I'm hoping the endorphins will sore and give me a boost of life. Tonight we're having friends over and I'm planning to eat salad instead of the tacos we're planning.  Mainly because I only have 10 pts left.  And I'd like to have a glass of wine. I need to do what I did before- if I'm out of points- get creative, don't give in.  

More later.... but here's my tracker so far:

Breakfast:
luna: 4 pts
mocha: 5 pts (freaking whip cream)

Snack:
hardboiled egg: 2 pts
apple: 1 pt

Lunch:
Willy's spicy chicken salad with a little cheese, sour cream and salsa: 10 pts
2 chips: 1 pt

9 comments:

Kim said...

I will tell you after my 3rd.WW did not work. I could not lose. He was born in April and in July I was still the weight I was 11 days pp. it SUCKED. Not sure why but points did not work. Counting calories did. I was eating much much healthier and the weight started to slip off.He will be 1 on April 4th and I went from 156 to 123 at Christmas and I am actually 115 now b/c I started bootcamp a month ago. You need to eat every two hours and eat protein and I felt like WW doesn't really encourage that. (well for me I felt limited) This is after losing 63 pounds with WW with my first and 45 with my second.

Linda said...

I am sorry that you are feeling this way right now. I have been in your shoes plenty of times. And it sucks that when you work so hard and lose the weight only to have it back on and it isn't as easy the next time coming off. I am sure that I will be in the same boat come September after I have this baby.

I really have no words of encouragement other than I know that you can do this! And even if you think that you look like your "before" picture, you don't. You are 40 lbs lighter than that. And you should feel incredibly good that you aren't having to start from there.

My only advice for now is to start measuring out your portions. I am not sure if you do this or not, but I know when I was on WW forever, I got comfortable knowing portion sizes. After I had my 1st baby, I no longer knew the portion sizes very well, and that is why I wasn't losing very much weight after that. Then I start weighing and measuring again, and it started coming off.

Nan said...

I'm thinking. If I have an "divine inspiration" I'll share. Until then, you can do this. It will be different, but you can do this. And maybe, (gulp), your goal weight won't be the same as it was last time...you've had another baby. And remember, gaining and losing the same three pounds is better than just gaining!

brocks*mom said...

I've been feeling like this lately. Pants getting too tight, gained back all but 3 lbs of the 16I had lost. I swear, I could have written your post (minus the 3 kids part - I'm sure that makes it 10x harder). I bought a book this weekend called "Finally Thin" by Kim Bensen. She lost 212 lbs. It was very motivational, not that I had 212 lbs to lose but even 12 lbs seems like climbing Mt. Everest. It really helped me kick into gear.

You may have read it already, it may not help you. But just a suggestion. I have found that if I plan out the day in advance it helps too. I know you already know that though.

Amanda said...

Jen--I rarely comment on your blog but tonight I feel the need to comment. I have followed you for a very long time and I want you to know that you have inspired ME! I haven't blogged about this on my blog yet (I will as soon as I am done with this) but I finally went back to WW this past week. (Lost 8.6 my first week back too!) I think about you often and doing this with 3 kids--I only have 2 (DS2 will be 11 months next week) and I know some days I can barely think straight. Give yourself some time and some credit. You are an awesome woman and mom. Don't beat yourself up about it. I have been in the same 10# range for 6 months now and I am SICK of it! You can do this--I know you will. It may not be as quick as last time but I know you will do it. Keep your head up high!

Jen Gordon said...

Thank you all for your comments. My day was better after my run, like I had hoped. I'm just in this weird funk that I can't get out of. Ya know how you can be so focused and then lose it and try to get back in the mode and if feels impossible? Yah.

Kim- I've often thought of mixing things up and trying something new. I do try my best to get in protein and avoid processed stuff. I could do better with that.

ANyway, baby is crying- gotta run! Thank you!

Kjl2003 said...

Hello Jen,
I normally don't leave a comment either but I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I've been there before MANY Times. I am just now getting back to goal. I was 202.8 after my last pregnancy. I went from that to 151 right now. I still have about 10 more to go. I am also nursing. My daughter will be 1 in May and I will be done. I wanted to tell you though that I didn't use all of the nursing pts they would give me. I always cut back about 5 pts per day. It worked. My supply never went down-I drink 144 oz. of water a day and my supply has been fine. What about trying that? Dropping down your pts a little bit. It might help. I am a firm believer in WW and it works. Just find something that will work for you as you know you can do this.
Good Luck! :)

Jennifer H. said...

((HUGS))

saraward said...

Hi Jen! Just wanted to leave my two cents too! I have been reading your blog since I got pregnant with my 3rd child last year. You have been so inspirational for me throughout my pregnancy and still are! I had my baby on Dec 15th and I lost some weight right away but now it has been teetering between 168 to 172 and it is soooo frustrating! I know how you are feeling because I am right there with you. I can not seem to stick to my Weight Watchers points, it just still seems so crazy around here since having my third. I just want you to know you are not alone. I wish I could give you some great words of encouragement, but all I have is to just hang in there. You just gave birth a few months ago....your hormones are still crazy...don't beat yourself up on losing weight. You know it takes a long time for the body to recuperate from having a baby, especially if your are not getting enough sleep! Just keep at it and I promise it'll get better. (That's what I've been trying to tell myself....it is sooo hard to stay positive sometimes) I think you are doing a fabulous job! There is no way I have even thought about RUNNING yet, so kudos to you!!!

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