It's so hard having done this all before and being so successful at it and then having to start from scratch. Not only that but living a constantly "interrupted" life with three kids. I just feel like I can't finish a sentence, let alone count points. But at the end of the day that's an excuse.
I know I can do this. I think I just feel like I have to do this QUICKLY. I feel this urgency to hurry up and be skinny again. And each day that slips by I feel this stress creep in. Especially when I've been gaining and losing the same three pounds for what seems like months now. And that really, really pisses me off. What am I waiting for? What am I holding onto this weight for? Why am I doing this to myself?
I know this is more than just the externals. I know I'm struggling with feeling love for myself. I'm pretty hard on myself. I have a cut throat mentality when it comes to body image. It's not good. And it's not helping. Ya know how they say that losing weight doesn't solve all your problem? Bull shit! LOL It sure felt that way to me! When I was 140 and a size 4/6 I had a great body image! In fact, I felt so good about myself that I couldn't remember what it was like to not like my body. I mean, I did want a tummy tuck for my excess skin, but all in all I was really happy. And I feel like I'm back in this familiar self talk. "You're fat. That's it." "You can't stay OP to save your life!" "You can run all you want, but it won't undo the binge you had last night."
I know I'll be okay, but in this instance, I'm just feeling defeated. I need a spark. Some inspiration. I do well with a challenge. But the problem right now is that my life is a challenge right now. Not bad, but challenging. Leaving me deflated mentally and physically. I'm going to really try my best to love myself through this. I'm not quitting, but I know that I'm not being fair. I know I'm sneaking bigger portions and calling them "one portion," I'm taking nibbles that add up, I'm medicating with food.
Well, the baby is going to wake up soon. I'm going to take two of my kids (big one is on a play date) to the park and run with the double stroller. I'm hoping the endorphins will sore and give me a boost of life. Tonight we're having friends over and I'm planning to eat salad instead of the tacos we're planning. Mainly because I only have 10 pts left. And I'd like to have a glass of wine. I need to do what I did before- if I'm out of points- get creative, don't give in.
More later.... but here's my tracker so far:
Breakfast:luna: 4 pts
mocha: 5 pts (freaking whip cream)
hardboiled egg: 2 pts
apple: 1 pt
Willy's spicy chicken salad with a little cheese, sour cream and salsa: 10 pts
2 chips: 1 pt