Speaking of which, my mom had lap band surgery 6 months ago. Everything was great until they realized that it was eroding part of her stomach. She just had surgery again to remove it. She says she's done with surgeries. I don't blame her. But it did make me nervous. She's morbidly obese and has a lot of weight to lose to get healthy. She lost 47 lbs with the lap band which is great. But now that it's off, she's going to have to decide what she's going to do. I talked to my step dad today on the phone to check in on her (she's recovering and all whacky with the drugs) and he said they are vowing to live a healthy life after this. Eating right, walking every day, etc. It makes me so nervous for my mom. Mainly because she's been so out of control with her weight since my entire adult hood. And there was some strange part of me that felt "secure" in the fact that she had the lap band surgery. Like if she could get thin, then I could. Cause after all, I spent most of my adulthood swearing I'd never get as big as she is. Now, I know that's not fair, but that's just what I'd feel when I saw her. She's got debilitating back pain from her weight. She's already had surgery on her back for it. And I have to say that every time I see a "before" glimpse of myself I see my mom. And perhaps that is the real issue here.
Oh the issues... When do they end?
I'm working on loving myself. Giving myself a break. Embracing the moment and where I'm at. But this stuff is hard and the shit is just hitting the fan over and over at this point in my life. I guess when you turn 30 you start learning who you really are. And I'm sure that process carries you well into old age. But there's just something significant about all these decisions I've made in the last year. The first being the cancelation of my tummy tuck. It was with that decision that I felt like I was choosing a hard road for the better outcome. I knew having another child was something that was meant to be for me. I knew it. But the vanity in me wanted my body, my tummy tuck, my control, my little compact life that fit portably where ever I needed it to. And one day I just decided to listen to God and my heart and cancel that pre-op appointment. And from there on I feel like I hit a V in the road and chose a more self sacrificing road, albeit life giving.
So here I'm at on this road where nothing feels in control. Where the work never quite feels done. Where not even sleep is something that can be counted on. Where God is just beating the flesh right out of me. LOL I got to give up this need to control things. It's catching up with me and it's making me miserable. I've got three amazing children. I love them more than life itself. They are my everything. And I truly cannot imagine a life without Shepherd. He is God's perfect will for me. I was made to be his mother. I am so glad I cancelled that surgery.
This is a new place that calls for a new plan. A plan that may not fit into my "plan" before. But it's still a plan. I will lose this weight. But I've got to do so with a kind heart towards my body. I can't be at odds with it.
I did a nice 4 mile brisk walk today with Shepherd. It was such a pretty day. I was outside most of the day after that because after school my kids had playdates at the park. We played in sand boxes, swung high, took a nature walk, found an inch worm, later found a snail. It was good.